I had my first US and BT for this cycle yesterday, and all is going well. I have another appointment tomorrow, and EPU is looking like being next weekend. They found 36 follies, 18 each side.

I am *really* feeling it. Bloated, particularly if I eat anything carb loaded. My ovaries have also started hurting today. And… Cue the moods! I have confiscated 6 mobile phones today – I’m not sure if the kids are being particularly annoying or whether I’m just particularly intolerant. Probably equal parts of both, really.

All for a good cause… all for a good cause… all for a good cause…

But not because of the needles. Apart from some lovely colourful spots on my belly, they’re fine…

I sprained my ankle again! This is the third sprain/strain/ligament thingy I’ve done in 5 months! I did this ankle back in July, pretty much the same way. I decided with the hot weather to wear my nice new heeled sandals… but because it was so hot, they were a little slippery, and I just slipped right off the edge.

It will be fine, eventually.

I’ve heard two IVF success stories this week! Great news for these girls

I hope to resume more interesting posting soon!

I have finally started jabbing. I know that I haven’t really waited that long, given that we’re doing an antagonist rather than a down-reg, but I feel like I had to wait for ever for AF to show up. I really hope that I never have to do a long cycle, it would drive me crazy.

The jabs themselves are fine. It stung a little last night, but I think I went a little too close to my belly button. I’m feeling a very bloated, full feeling though. Not sure if it is the drugs, or whether its because I’ve had so much water to drink today. I’m not in any pain, just feel a bit ill, like I’ve over-eaten… but sheesh, this is day 2! I’ll ring the nurse tomorrow, see what she says.

The forecast this morning was for 7 out of the next 9 days to be over 30 degrees. Mr G’s birthday bash is on for this Saturday, and it’s supposed to be 37 and windy I think. Eugh. I hate when either Autumn or Spring disappear, but particularly Spring because I like it so much.

Firstly, it is almost 2am so I make no claims about how legible this post will be.

***

Laying in bed a few minutes ago, with a million thoughts running through my head, I came to a realisation.

I am like no other woman I know. I have very little concept of what it is like, in the first month trying for a baby, to expect to get pregnant. I imagine that it might be something like how I felt during the TWW of the IUI… hopeful.

We never went through the months of trying unsuccessfully. We arrived in the land of IF by a detour… the detour of knowledge.

These thoughts nestled their way into my overactive consciousness after the tears had stopped.

My best friend is 9 weeks pregnant.

For the first time, I didn’t have the ‘burning ice rising in the pit of my stomach’ feeling that ordinarily arises when I hear somebodies ‘good news’. She was very thoughtful in her announcement. It wasn’t at dinner, it was in person, cleverly timed for when I had the ability to focus my attention on something other than her, and when I could disguise my shaking hands. I could actually feel pleasure for her.

I am happy for them. They’ve been married four years, and have waited for ‘the right time’ long enough to know that it will never happen. They had been trying for two months before she got her miracle.

But I still feel incredible sadness, for us.

The grief comes out in funny ways. I’ve lost the relationship that I had with this friend. I would never, EVER, wish this journey on anyone, but there is still a certain camaraderie between the infertile and the childless. I don’t know about other infertiles, but I know that I am knowledgeable about pregnancy. I’ve memorised just about everything I’ve ever read. And given my recent coping strategy of attempted desensitisation, via the reading of everything you could ever possibly want to know about pregnancy and then some, that’s a lot.

The only person I have outside of the computer screen, who is going through this, is Mr G. Part of my reasoning behind my openness about all of this, is that I desperately want someone to say to me… I understand, I’m dealing with it too.

I have to believe that through this, we will become better people. Maybe its a path to enlightenment… Who knows, it’s 2:30 in the morning, anything is possible in these small hours.

I read on this on Rach’s Blog a few weeks ago, and I have been unable to get it out of my head.

The Oak Tree

• A mighty wind blew night and day It stole the oak tree’s leaves away
  Then snapped its boughs and pulled its bark
  Until the oak was tired and stark

  But still the oak tree held its ground
  While other trees fell all around
  The weary wind gave up and spoke.
  How can you still be standing Oak?

  The oak tree said, I know that you
  Can break each branch of mine in two
  Carry every leaf away
  Shake my limbs, and make me sway

  But I have roots stretched in the earth
  Growing stronger since my birth
  You’ll never touch them, for you see
  They are the deepest part of me

  Until today, I wasn’t sure
  Of just how much I could endure
  But now I’ve found, with thanks to you
  I’m stronger than I ever knew

It says everything I can’t.

So, my dear friend.

I am sorry I couldn’t give you the best parts of me tonight. I am sorry that it became too much to bear, and that I had to hurry you out the door. I am simultaneously joyous and heartbroken that you are taking this step in your life. I am trying hard to become the person I want to be. I wish you nothing but happiness.

The puppy? Is fine.

The twin thing? Was a sick joke.

Me? Day 1.

Here we go!

Just when I thought I had come to terms with a particular pregnant person (not That one, another, that I work with)…

She’s having twins.

***

CD41

My puppy is sick, and I’m worried sick about him

Or I am just turning into an intolerant cow.

The object of my rage and derision this afternoon?

Car Bras

I hear you… “Sorry, what?”

Car Bras

I think the theory of these things is to protect your paintwork or something.

What I don’t understand, is why this means that you have to stick a gigantic, fugly, piece of black pvc or leather or something (imagine the google traffic I’m going to get with this post), over the front of your car, to protect it from stone chips and what-not. Which, apparently, are fugly.

Is it just me, or do these things seem COMPLETELY redundant?

Prevent ugliness with ugliness.

The driver who chooses to put these onto their (usually shitty, hotted up car) is clearly deluded. Who in their right mind thinks these things are attractive? Who would actually spend money on this crap?

Wrong.

Nuff said.

Gargh… When you don’t want it, it shows, when you do, it doesn’t.

I had my appointment with Lovely Nurse yesterday, and she truly is one of the nicest people I have ever met.

My IVF protocol is very different to the IUI one – heaps more drugs, lots more monitoring.

I get a lot of people landing here looking for drug regimes, so for interest’s sake, here is the protocol that I will be on:

• Day 2 – start 150 units of Gonal-F
• Day 6 – Scan continue Gonal-F. If follicle development is on track, start Orgalutran
• Continue with daily (?) bloods and scans, continue daily Orgalutran, Continue daily Gonal-F
• Trigger with Ovidrel 38 hours before EPU.
• LP support – Crinone Gel

I’m stuck here waiting for AF to show so that I can get going. I don’t need to say again how much I DETEST the waiting game!! I’m at about CD 33, so it should be some time soon… Hopefully over the weekend!

I’ve had one of my photos selected to feature on a Melbourne tourism website!!

They contacted me a few weeks ago to let me know that I had been shortlisted, and I just got the email telling me that it has gone through.

I don’t get anything for it, but I’m excited nonetheless!

Looky Linky!