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Empty June 17, 2009

Posted by Natasha in Infertility, Rants, Uncategorized.
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I had a job interview today, and I was pretty confident that I would get it. It just seemed to fit so well with everything. I have been consoling myself through the past few weeks of misery at work with the fact that I won’t be there next term. With 8 school days of this term left, that is looking unlikely. Obviously the interview didn’t go brilliantly, because I didn’t get the job. This, oddly, for someone who has been in the workforce for 10 years, is a wholly new experience for me. I have never before today interviewed for a job I didn’t get.

Had to go back to Funkytown to clean some crumbs so that we could get our $1000 back. Yes, that is as ridiculous as it sounds. This was our first house, where we lived with our pets, where we got engaged and married. After mentally saying goodbye last time I was there, going back left me with an odd sense of disconnection.

While I was in Funkytown, I visited the Cattle Clinic to get some sort of advice about my knee. Saw Dr Dur0mine, who at first was convinced I was having knee pain because I’m “heavy” (yes, I quote). When he finally understood that it was more acute than that, he diagnosed a probable torn meniscus, and possible torn ligaments. Playing the waiting game.

Driving home, after finally shaking off the headache that had forced a freeway nap on the way down, I got to thinking about the dream I had woken from this morning. In it, my baby son was in a sling at my side.

I am feeling this ’emptiness’ with a lot more focus recently. Zappy and Mixy went some way to filling the void, but with them gone, I am noticing it much more. Having recently found out that our IUI/IVF plans need to be put off for even longer, the emptiness is becoming more painful.

It doesn’t feel right, having lived with my boyfriend –>partner –> fiance, gotten married, then moved in with his parents, then moving to a (part time) long distance relationship, then putting off starting IVF until we’re more stable, then facing work uncertainty on top of things. The very core of my being is reeling with the illogicality of it all.

I have only recently acknowledged my inner need to plan things, to have a goal, and directions. Right now, I’m jumping between a complex series of ruts.

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