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an illness. July 29, 2009

Posted by Natasha in Infertility, Rants.
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I’m sitting wrapped in a doona, surrounded by a pile of soggy tissues, red eyed, and sniffling. The shaking has subsided, but the horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach lingers.

What terrible malady has befallen me?

A pregnancy announcement.

A girl who used to be my best friend. The reasons for the past tense are many, varied and long standing. But she is pregnant, with what must be her honeymoon baby.

She cursed her “stupid, super fertile body” because she “didn’t want it to happen now”.

This illness, makes part of me a bad person. Part of me hates her. Part of me is seething with jealousy. She has PCOS! I should be jumping from the rafters with joy! But I don’t know if I can ever see her again.

She doesn’t know how far along she is. She hasn’t told her parents.

Is every pregnancy announcement going to be like this?

“It will happen when you least expect it”

We’ve paid thousands of dollars, to stick needles into my stomach every day, have a stranger squirt a stranger’s sperm inside me,  to wait with that unique mix of pure hope and dread that only an Infertile’s two-week-wait can bring. Yes, you’re right, if it happens, it will be totally unexpected.

In a small way, she is right, because I don’t really expect that this will ever work.

And that illness makes me reach for fresh tissues.

A recurring theme July 27, 2009

Posted by Natasha in Infertility, News and Drivel, The Daily Grind.
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Needles seem to be a bit of a theme around here of late.

Tonight, I learnt three things:

1. How and when to use an Epi-Pen

2. That I never want to have to use an Epi-Pen

3. That I never, ever want to use an Epi-Pen on myself, and my god I’m glad that my pen doesn’t have a needle that big. Eugh.

Back to the vampire in the morning, progress report tomorrow.

I made my husband stab me. July 26, 2009

Posted by Natasha in Infertility.
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See how mean I am!

I made him do my jab tonight. He was shaking so much, he made two extra tiny little holes in addition to the actual injection site.

Then proclaimed that he was going to be sick, and that he was never ever doing that again.

I think (hope!) that once the nausea passes, he will be quite proud of himself!

Self injecting July 26, 2009

Posted by Natasha in Infertility.
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Is totally over-rated.

I loaded up the Puregon pen, dialled it 50, swabbed, made DH come and look (because I’m mean like that), paused for about 5 seconds, saying “This is very strange”… then gently put it in, expectantly.

I couldn’t even feel it.

At all.

Pressed the button, expecting a sting.

Nothing. Not even the tiniest bit of pain. Squeezing my flab was more painful (and even then, not really).

Very, very strange.

Jab 3 tonight, back to the Vampire on Tuesday morning.

A title escapes me… July 24, 2009

Posted by Natasha in Infertility, Life.
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In the second week of the holidays, we had our first counselling appointment for our fertility treatment. Weirdly, this didnt bother me. Ordinarily, I have no time for psychologists, and perhaps this was pretty obvious, because she hardly bothered to ask me any questions.

She suggested while we were speaking with her that it would be a good idea to attend the donor gametes seminar at the Hospital the following evening. Obligingly, we agreed.

The seminar was relatively interesting – but honestly, I am surprised at how boring I find the process. I know what to expect, I know what is involved, We have made our decisions, and just want to get on with it. The speakers at the seminar were of varying quality – the first man, the husband of an egg recipient, was very moving in his words, and quite inspiring. The second, a mother of twins also produced by donor eggs, was abrasive, negative, and divisive.

“Would I do it again? No.”

Easily said by someone who has two beautiful babies. She was so anti-the whole process that my sympathy actually went out to the third speaker, an egg donor herself, who got up and told us all how easily having babies had been for her, and that was why she wanted to help out.

Overall, our impression of the whole deal was that while very interesting, and raising some interesting ideas, it was almost irrelevant for us.

The following week, the first back at school (which… is going… Well! Kind of…) was our second counselling session, and the chance for us to choose our donor. This was ridiculously easy. There was a choice of about 20, we went to the tallest, and said done. From here on the entire process seems a little surreal. I had been wondering how we would decided on the ‘person’ who would provide the genetic material for our child. As it turns out, they provide you with so little information, it may as well be a random choice.

My greatest anger at that point was the requirement for Vic couples to undergo police checks and child protection checks prior to commencing fertility treatment (keep in mind that both of us already have working with children checks – I’m a registered teacher!!). The counsellor pointed out that it was because the government does not want to be seen to be providing funded fertility treatment to criminals… which, i can understand, but sheesh… what about providing public hospital beds to bogan mothers when they have their 5th baby, when they have a history of drug abuse and child harming? How is this any less wrong?

Our specialist appointment was scheduled for the following day, and we had organised the logistics carefully. Upon arriving just after 4, and announcing our arrival, we were informed that our Doctor does not see patients at that clinic on Thursdays, that he sees them only in the city! We rang the city office to confirm, and yes, the receptionist had booked us in at the wrong place, and we were now going to miss that appointment.

I was disproportionately angry, and I still couldn’t tell you why. I *think* it is because I had visions of this putting us back months. When you’re ready, you’re ready, and I wanted to have a plan! We made the next available appointment (for yesterday) in the city.

Getting into the city by 9:15 was always going to be a challenge, but we made it, and found parking, with about 5 minutes to spare. We met with the doctor, and informed him firstly that we were going to do IUI rather than IVF, and that I was on CD1.

Well, this is where the rollercoaster started! Suddenly, he was on the phone, organising a rush-appointment with the nurse, blood tests, paperwork, rush, rush rush! He did manage to inform me that I am tending towards PCOS, which is truly unsurprising.  5 minutes and $90 later, we were heading up to Vampire nurse.

We had our activation interview, and were advised to take home the DVD teaching me how to do my injectables – I had thought I would be doing a non-stim cycle, but it turns out that they always start out IUI with a low dose of Puregon to ensure ovulation.

I was pleasantly surprised when she put the needle in for my blood test, but as she was taking it out, I have no idea what she did, but it was incredibly painful! Within 5 minutes, it was obvious that I was going to have a very colourful (and paimful!) souvenir of my visit.

We managed to get an appointment at our regular clinic to meet with the nurse today, to collect our drugs. I’ve never done anything so seedy, handing over that much cash, and being given a bag full of drugs and syringes!

So now, we’re ready to go. I’ve practiced jabbing the little rubber thingy, and will give myself my first injection tonight.

Let the games begin!

And we’ll be moving right along… July 6, 2009

Posted by Natasha in Infertility, Life, News and Drivel, The Daily Grind.
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The holidays finally rolled around, although they currently feel like a myth.

I have to spend an insane amount of time preparing for term 3. I have a new teaching partner, my previous one having jumped ship; and we’re doing an all-new program. The basic premise is to have every single lesson prepared and copied and ready to go on day one. Sounds simple enough, the problem though is that it requires 120 lessons to be pre-prepped. Madness.

Other “holiday” tasks have included some more spring cleaning – trying to sort out the barn, and get it back to some semblance of organisation. Car borrowing, trailer hire, tip trip, furniture moving in the rain, rushing to beat closing time at Bunnings.

A girly night in a hotel in the city for a birthday, a day cruising the countryside after an ill-timed trip to scienceworks, a day with the grandparents and the puppy wandering around Dockland… The first week of holidays disappeared quickly.

Today saw the start of the week dawn with me in an absolutely feral mood. I have no idea why, and had no ability to control it, but thankfully by the time we walked out of the counsellor’s office at the IVF clinic, it had dissipated. The counselling session felt somewhat like a token effort: rather trite. Still, its another hoop that we have to jump through.