jump to navigation

Thursday! August 27, 2009

Posted by Natasha in Infertility, Life, News and Drivel.
Tags: , , , , , , ,
1 comment so far

When did that happen??

I truly do not know where the week has gone. I have had a series of days where it gets to 4pm and I suddenly realise that I haven’t even managed to get to the bathroom.

As far as the crazeh hormones go, I *finally* feel more like myself. AF was the longest it has ever been (7 full days), and I have been a mopey sad sack all week. Can’t imagine what bigger doses will do to me!

I’m not sure what our plan will be for the rest of the year. We’re going to do a dIUI cycle again next month (Sept-Oct) which gives us another chance the next month (Oct-Nov). The question is, will we be able to fit in an IVF this year? Do we skip the Oct-Nov IUI and go straight to IVF? (Can we even afford to do this??)

It seems so silly to have a deadline, but sadly our funds are (of course) heavily restricted, and knowing that we would get back 80% of our out of pocket expenses for IVF, and have some frosties (Please just go with my wishful thinking here) before the Medicare changes kick in in January, would be such a relief.

Advice??

Does it mean I have truly gone loopy and pessimistic to have a plan B, C, and D?

What not to say… August 24, 2009

Posted by Natasha in Infertility, Rants.
Tags: , , , , ,
10 comments

***

Me: I got my beta result today. Negative. Huge surprise there.

Her: Oh, sorry to hear that. If it makes you feel any better, I wish I wasn’t pregnant.

***

(I really wish I had made this conversation up)

*Tag*

What ridiculous things have people said to you?

Shameless Pimping August 23, 2009

Posted by Natasha in News and Drivel.
Tags: , , ,
5 comments

My wonderful Husband, Mr G, has revived his blog!

He intends to provide one of those elusive male voices in the IF blogosphere, but also writes about many varied things.

If you would like to see what he has to say, you can check him out here!

Why? August 23, 2009

Posted by Natasha in Infertility.
Tags: , , , , , , , , ,
1 comment so far

At least, the version of this question that I can answer.

Not so much why, really as how. How did we get here?

The day after I met my husband, we were driving around Mount Dandenong together, and when this conversation took place, we were in Olinda, stopping at a little general store for Cascade Raspberry, and Peppermint Magnums. I remember the whole day with crystal clarity, a stunning afternoon, filled with Spring. It was the third of September, 2006.

This was the day that I knew that my path to having children would be more complicated than I had previously thought. (Because of course, we all think it will be like they tell us at school… Don’t look at boys, you will automatically fall pregnant! Ok, so I wasn’t really that naive)

This man, in whom I already knew I had found something very, very special, told me he would never be able to be a father. He explained to me that since he had been diagnosed with Klinefelters, almost 20 years ago, he had always been told that he would never be a father.

It takes a lot for someone to be so honest. This was not a conversation we were having months down the track, after getting to know each other well, after falling in love. This was day 2.

I still hold an enourmous amount of respect for my husband, for making sure I knew what I was getting myself into.

I said, never say never.

***

I read up everything I could on Klinefelters (Yes, I did actually go further than Wikipedia, but it gives a nice summary):

Klinefelter’s syndrome, 47, XXY or XXY syndrome is a condition in which males have an extra X sex chromosome. While females have an XX chromosomal makeup, and males an XY, affected individuals have at least two X chromosomes and at least one Y chromosome. Klinefelter’s syndrome is the most common sex chromosome disorder and the second most common condition caused by the presence of extra chromosomes. The condition exists in roughly 1 out of every 1000 males.

The principal effects are development of small testicles and reduced fertility. A variety of other physical and behavioral differences and problems are common, though severity varies and many boys and men with the condition have few detectable symptoms. Because of the extra chromosome, individuals with the condition are usually referred to as “XXY Males”, or “47, XXY Males”.

We stopped using birth control after a couple of months. I was hopeful.

In late 2007, some time after I had first cried at a negative HPT that I was so sure would be positive, I went with my soon-to-be fiance to visit his endocrinologist. He was due to have his 6-monthly testosterone implant. It was at this appointment that we first sought current medical advice about our infertility.

His doctor told us that there had been some advances in IVF, and that ICSI had been used with some success in Klinefelters patients. She referred us to Monash IVF.

It took us almost a year before we were ready to make that appointment. I kept hoping.

When we spoke to this doctor, things became much clearer. The endo was perhaps a little too optimistic about our odds. In patients who have undergone long term testosterone therapy, the natural testosterone production is suppressed, and the body basically loses the ability to produce any sperm at all. We had less than 1 in 1 billion chance of conceiving naturally. There was a procedure that could be used with ICSI, but it involved removing up to half of the teste, and searching, blindly, for immature sperm. In a patient such as Mr G, after 20 years of testosterone replacement, there would be less than 1 in a million chance of finding any.

We drove down to the beach that afternoon.

It was there that we decided to get a donor to help us become a family.

***

We had our wedding to plan, and while I had had all the initial screening tests, which had come up pretty much clear, and we had met with a fertility specialist who would focus more on me, we decided to put off the actual trying.

We faffed around with the ‘when’ originally it was to be July this year, then some time next year, then at some indefinite point. Then it came back to July.

And the rest of the story is in the archives.

The thing about grief is… August 22, 2009

Posted by Natasha in Infertility, Rants.
Tags: , , , , ,
2 comments

“Few people know that the ‘i’ comes before the ‘e’…

I was thinking again last night that my experience of this failed dIUI, and of infertility in general really, is like a microcosm of grief.

When I first got my period on Thursday afternoon, I was in shock. I thought for a little while, that perhaps this was just implantation bleeding and cramping. I called the nurse, and my rational mind took over, telling her my period had started. She was fantastic, and ready to go with whatever I needed to do. It was when I got off the phone that I lost it. Screaming, breathless cries, hyperventilating, curling into the foetal position… you get the idea.

Yesterday, the guilt set in. Why should I feel like this? I don’t deserve it… etc, etc, etc…

Today, I’m angry. I was angry anyway, but then I read this post at Semi-Fertile, and it got me thinking.

Specifically about the Baby Bonus, and the ART bill.

A year or three ago, the Australian government decided that our population was in decline. Politicians of the day were standing up telling us all that we should have “one for Mum, one for Dad and one for the Country”.

Ouch.

If this wasn’t bad enough, they then decided that the parent/s of every baby born, would receive a $5000 “baby bonus”. No questions, no means testing, no guarantee that it would ever be spent on the actual baby and not a fancy plasma screen… just a “Bonus”. For being able to reproduce.

Nice.

That was hard enough to handle.

Now I am very fortunate to live in a country that has a good health system, which, up until recently has made IVF if not reasonably priced (basic stim cycles are still $4500 AUD up front, but we do get some of this back from the government), then at least achievable for people, but not without some serious financial stability and planning.

Earlier this year, the new government (who kept the baby bonus, albeit with some minor modifications) decided that those Big, Bad, IVF Doctors, were RIPPING OFF all those women who decided to have careers first, only to find out later on that “whoops, I’m infertile now, never mind, IVF will fix me right up”. These Big Bad IVF Doctors were earning Millions! And it was coming from too much government funding!

The government’s solution?

(You have to picture Kevin Rudd saying this)…

In this Budget, the Government will change the [amount of government funding] for a small number of … services[…]

These changes will apply to [people who CHOOSE to use private, rather than high quality, readily available public] obstetrics, assisted reproductive technology (ART), cataract operations, the injection of a therapeutic substance into an eye [whatever that means], hair transplants … and varicose vein treatment.

(My bold).

Ok.

So, Mr Government, what you’re saying, is that people who have a diagnosed, genuine, heartbreaking inability to conceive children, are ripping off tax payers, along with the bald people and those with varicose veins? Because, ART is an elecive procedure, right?

Yeah, that sounds about right. IVF is never used by ayone who actually needs it. People should just have babies when they’re young, and then they wouldn’t have these problems!

Of course, that makes perfect sense. Although personally, as a tax payer, I’m more worried about all those bogans who are electing to cough out their seventh child , simply so that they don’t have to work to afford their plasma screen and drug habits.

But they’re increasing the population!

Of course, how silly of me.

But those infertiles, you say, they can be dangerous people. Although we already know they have lots of money, because they have all had long, illustrious careers. Let’s make sure that they are SAFE! That they are ENTITLED to make these fickle, selfish decisions to undergo ART. Let’s make them all submit to Criminal Record Check and Child Protection Order scrutiny! And lets charge them for it! We couldn’t possibly give money to criminals now, could we?

OK Mr Government, so you’re also going to start police checking every single new mother or father in Victoria? Including those who have had their previous 5 children removed into protective custody, those who have crawled all the way from the Meth Clinic, and those whose blood alcohol and/or drug levels have seriously harmed their babies?

No, no, just the infertiles.

***

You, Mr Government, are moronic.

Stormy skies. August 21, 2009

Posted by Natasha in Infertility, Life.
Tags: , , , , , ,
3 comments

Today, I’m back to mostly feeling ill. Mainly because there is every likelihood that I have succumbed to the dreaded swine flu.

I’m still feeling flat, but the raw emotion of yesterday has dissipated.

I cried myself to sleep last night. I am not sleeping well, I keep waking with fever.

Very, very grateful that I was not at work yesterday afternoon, when I would have been in class as the realisation hit me, that it really was over.

Looking outside the window, my feelings are mirrored. The skies are grey, the wind is howling, the rain is pelting against the tin roof. The last fortnight has been filled with brilliant sunshine and the promise of spring, and today, winter has returned.

When we get to cycle again, it will be my favourite month of the year.

September. Good things happen in September. Maybe even better things will happen in October. And then again in early July. Maybe I will get to be a mother before I’m [Holy Shit!] 27.

I’m sorry August, I couldn’t make you any better.

I suppose I have learned a few things this month.

  • I have become more in-tune with my body, and have understood more about why I feel like I do at certain times during the month.
  • I have learned that I really can’t wish things into existence, and that no matter how much I work for things, sometimes they just don’t happen.
  • I have learned that sometimes I am prone to bouts of uncontrolled jealousy, and that I need to work on this.
  • I have realised just how frustrated and trapped I feel in our current situation.
  • “Symptoms” are bullshit.
  • I have learned that medicine is not an exact science. And this frightens me.

My thoughts as to why it went wrong?

1. We were rushed. We weren’t ready for it to happen. By happening when it did, we were placed under massive amounts of financial stress.

2. The timing was off. All my reading says that CD1 starts 14 days after ovulation. That means that the IUI was 24, not the currently recommended 36  hours after I ovulated.

3. There is no reason. It really is just one of those horrible things that just happens.

So, taking it easy this month. No obsessing over every little twinge.

Onward and upward.

Hello teacher, tell me, what’s my lesson? August 20, 2009

Posted by Natasha in Infertility, Life, Rants.
Tags: , , ,
add a comment

Rambly, horrible thoughts.

I’m trying to understand. I’m trying to find out what this *means*

Am I being punished?

I truly don’t believe that I have ever done anything deserving of this. I have faced trials, I have triumphed. N.O.T.H.I.N.G has come easily.

Am I being taught a lesson?

I GET IT! Babies are a gift, a treasure, a precious miracle. They are given to us so that we can give to them.

Why did this (not) happen?

I feel incredibly guilty for being so upset. I feel like I don’t deserve to be miserable. It’s not like it was our last try, its not like we lost embryos, or a baby. I feel like those naive, stupid girls who cry because they didn’t fall pregnant their first month trying.

This is somewhere around month 25.

And in brutal honesty?

I feel a monstrous, wrenching guilt, because I went into this knowingly…

I knew from day one that we would travel a path like this.

But that doesn’t make it any fucking easier to walk along.

I have failed. This is a waste. This is wrong. This is not fair.

It didn’t work August 20, 2009

Posted by Natasha in Infertility.
Tags: , , , , ,
1 comment so far

My period just arrived.

Shattering us into a million pieces.

13dpiui… Move along, nothing to see here August 20, 2009

Posted by Natasha in Infertility.
Tags: , , , ,
add a comment

Haven’t tested this morning, but tested last night, and still nothing.

Had a big cry yesterday. Its just such a horrible feeling.

Will hold out now until AF is definitely late, (not that that is likely to happen – should arrive tomorrow or Saturday).

August 17, 2009

Posted by Natasha in Infertility.
Tags:
1 comment so far

Why do I always end up consoling YOU in MY time of need?

You don’t get it.

Everything I want right now, you have, and you didn’t even want it.

Everything I have tried so hard for, you got without thought.

You can’t understand me, and I can’t understand you.