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Stormy skies. August 21, 2009

Posted by Natasha in Infertility, Life.
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Today, I’m back to mostly feeling ill. Mainly because there is every likelihood that I have succumbed to the dreaded swine flu.

I’m still feeling flat, but the raw emotion of yesterday has dissipated.

I cried myself to sleep last night. I am not sleeping well, I keep waking with fever.

Very, very grateful that I was not at work yesterday afternoon, when I would have been in class as the realisation hit me, that it really was over.

Looking outside the window, my feelings are mirrored. The skies are grey, the wind is howling, the rain is pelting against the tin roof. The last fortnight has been filled with brilliant sunshine and the promise of spring, and today, winter has returned.

When we get to cycle again, it will be my favourite month of the year.

September. Good things happen in September. Maybe even better things will happen in October. And then again in early July. Maybe I will get to be a mother before I’m [Holy Shit!] 27.

I’m sorry August, I couldn’t make you any better.

I suppose I have learned a few things this month.

  • I have become more in-tune with my body, and have understood more about why I feel like I do at certain times during the month.
  • I have learned that I really can’t wish things into existence, and that no matter how much I work for things, sometimes they just don’t happen.
  • I have learned that sometimes I am prone to bouts of uncontrolled jealousy, and that I need to work on this.
  • I have realised just how frustrated and trapped I feel in our current situation.
  • “Symptoms” are bullshit.
  • I have learned that medicine is not an exact science. And this frightens me.

My thoughts as to why it went wrong?

1. We were rushed. We weren’t ready for it to happen. By happening when it did, we were placed under massive amounts of financial stress.

2. The timing was off. All my reading says that CD1 starts 14 days after ovulation. That means that the IUI was 24, not the currently recommended 36  hours after I ovulated.

3. There is no reason. It really is just one of those horrible things that just happens.

So, taking it easy this month. No obsessing over every little twinge.

Onward and upward.

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Comments»

1. twondra - August 21, 2009

Thank you so much for commenting on my blog and visiting! 🙂

I hope you feel better soon. Sounds like you’ve had a rough one.

I hope next month goes better. (((HUGS)))

ICLW

2. Kate - August 22, 2009

I’m sorry that things are so hard for you right now. I hate seeing the redness of blood after a cycle filled with so much hope. I hate that you’re sad right now. I am sending you warm vibes.

ICLW

3. MeAndBaby - September 3, 2009

September and October are my favorite months of the year. I hope they bring both of us success. I have learned similar things from cycling too and am constantly learning! A bonus to this process?

And I’ve heard of pretty stupid things being said but that person (friend?) who tried to make you feel better by saying she wishes she wasn’t pregnant? What a turd.


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