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Alone December 14, 2009

Posted by Natasha in miscarriage.
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This time is the hard time.

It is dark, secret.

Mr G is back at work. Which means I am in bed by myself. The first of two nights. Ordinarily, this doesn’t bother me, but tonight, the space is suffocating.

Petri is gone.

He is no longer attached to me, no longer within me.

How can something so tiny leave such a gaping abyss?

It is too big, too much.

I can’t process it all at once.

Before, my pain was my own. I would swallow it, contain it, bury it, hide it away.

But this.

This is Right. There.

Welling up, growing. Expanding like the baby that didn’t get a chance to.

Overflowing, refusing to be held back.

Like the baby that didn’t get a chance to.

Tomorrow I go back to work, back to my friends, back to the real world. Back to the place where I got that news. Back to the people who were eavesdropping on that phone call.

I am alone.

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Comments»

1. Rach - December 14, 2009

Honey, I know you feel alone but I promise you you’re not, we’re right here for you anytime you need us xxx

2. cowgirltn - December 15, 2009

I am sorry.

3. Chickenpig - December 15, 2009

I’m so sorry. I’ve been there myself. Going back into work is very, very hard. It will get better, though, I promise. And even though you feel totally alone in the Universe and like no one could possibly know what you’re going through….You’re not.

Those empty platitudes truly hurt, try not to smack anyone who says “My aunt had three miscarriages and then went on to have 20 healthy children.” “You’ll feel better when you hold your baby in your arms” and of course “At least you know you can get pregnant” grrrrr….. Although I have to admit, after 4 years of trying and three rounds of IVF it was a very small comfort to know SOMEthing worked. I hope that your RE Has some answers from you. Holding your hand in cyberspace. LFCA

4. Katie - December 15, 2009

I am so sorry. I remember when M went back to work two days after my D&C. When the door closed after him, the house had never felt more empty, dark, or alone. I cried harder than I believe I have ever cried in my life. It was awful. I tried calling friends, but it was two weeks before Christmas and everyones’ minds was wrapped up in the holidays. I tried watching t.v., tried blogging, tried journaling, tried to do anything and everything, but the darkness had to be faced. I promise you, it will get better. It’s hard, it’s sad, it’s wretched, it’s nothing you would wish on your worst enemy. But the healing will start.

In the meantime, I am sending you prayers and hugs.


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