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Lost December 15, 2009

Posted by Natasha in Life.

I don’t know how much of this is my aching heart and heavy soul, and how much is real. Hell, I don’t know what’s real anymore.

But I am desperate for a change.

I went from school, to uni, to full time work.

Without a break.

I worked part time, often in two jobs, that whole time. I’m still working two jobs now.

It’s not that I don’t enjoy my job, because while often I hate the daily grind, I enjoy teaching and I believe in it.

But lately (and were talking many months here) the fire has gone.

I work my arse off, with little or no support, for little thanks.

I feel like there should be more. I was elated at the prospect of only being there for a few more months. Stupid me for getting my hopes up. It was partly complete lack of time and energy to focus on anything else, and partly hope that it wouldn’t matter, but I didn’t apply for anything else in the peak period.

So now here I am.

What I would dearly love, is to take a year, study photography, do a cycle or two in peace, and relax (not only because of it’s pregnancy inducing guarantee).

I’ve just had enough of going through the motions. Something has to change. I can feel myself slipping into a rut that threatens to carry me to 35 before I’ve even realized I’m moving.

I could take a year’s leave from my (ongoing) contract, but financially I don’t know what that would mean. Mr G’s contract at his suit job has been extended, and he is ongoing at his woop woop job. We don’t have rent at the moment, and obviously we don’t have any kids. But we do have the financial burden of trying to get pregnant.

What if I took a year, got healthy, and found the spark again?

My soul is itchy, and I want to escape.



1. Rach - December 15, 2009

Have you talked it out with Mr G? Thought what he thinks about you taking a year off? If you can afford it honey I say go for it.

My soul has always been itchy, I’m a gypsy at heart but can’t be because Bikerman is a homebody which totally sucks ass.

I find my soul asking what now? Now we’re not going to be a Mother, now what do we do with our life? Unfortunately I have not an answer for it.

Big hugs

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