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Counterintuitive January 22, 2010

Posted by Natasha in Infertility, IVF.
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This morning, I popped tablets out of 6 blister packs.

1 metformin, 2 heavy duty pain killers, 2 pre-conception vitamins, and a teency tiny birth control pill.

Hello CD2.

As much as each new tablet feels like a step forwards, and I know I have to do this… my brain reels. What if this month is the one-in-a-billion?

I know it’s not. I haven’t taken BCP’s, or used any other form of birth control since some time in 2006, and even then it was only for a month or two.

I have no idea how long I will be on the BCPs for. We still haven’t decided when we’re actually going to start our next cycle. Originally it was March, but all of a sudden, that’s only about a month away, and we’re just not ready yet.

It will be nice to have a period holiday, that’s about the only plus side. My FS said I can stay on this particular pill long term, and it won’t cause any problems. All I know is, that if my periods continue to be this painful, I will be seeking out some other investigations, because this is ridiculous.

In fact, its exactly like last month.

A new kind of ok January 18, 2010

Posted by Natasha in Uncategorized.
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Most days, I’m ok.

It’s not the same as before, not even close. This sounds trite, but part of me left with my baby, and I will never be the way I was.

I have become more wistful, rather than bone-crushingly sad.

Some moments though, it floods back. My grandma went to the hospital again in the early hours of Saturday, again she’s ok, but we still don’t know what’s causing the seizures. Medicine being an inexact science and all of that…

I have a habit of scanning the patient boards, call it a morbid curiosity, but I find the various ailments fascinating.

And there it was.

F,38 PV Bleed 6/40 Gest. Abd US.

She was crossed out, meaning she’d been admitted.

A few days ago, she was one of them. Happy, hopeful, glowing in the wake of her very recent BFP. Then, she crossed over.

As I joined the dots in my mind, my heart broke for her, this woman I never saw, never will.

And it all came flooding back.

Nothing good to say January 9, 2010

Posted by Natasha in Uncategorized.
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So I’m not saying anything at all.

I’ll be back, maybe in a week, maybe in a month. But I need some time for all this to stop being my every waking thought.