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Day-to-day January 10, 2011

Posted by Natasha in Uncategorized.
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Not much happening around here at the moment. We’re going away camping on Thursday, so we’re slowly getting organised for that.

Most days are starting late, and finishing late. It takes me only a couple of days of holidays to become nocturnal, so by mid January my preferred sleeping patterns are almost completely reversed.

It’s a funny old summer here, rainy, humid, and very mild. I’d have that over crazy 40+ days any time, but it is a bit odd.

On the diet front, I’m getting rather sick of salads, so i think I’ll spend tomorrow gathering some tasty ones off the net.

The big dilemma is, when we go camping, what to eat then? Half the fun of camping is cooking up delicious meals! And having tasty snacks! What to do, what to do…

Yep, huge issues to deliberate here.

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Moving forward January 7, 2011

Posted by Natasha in Exercise, Food, Life, Uncategorized.
Tags: , , , , , ,
2 comments

So I’ve realised there were a couple of people that were
actually following my blog back in late ’09 early ’10 – thanks for
the welcome back!! I am trying to be more regular here (I’m
basically surgically attached to my phone, so I might as well put
it to good use!) although the once a day thing isn’t turning out so
well (some days just aren’t that interesting!). So one of the goals
this year was weight loss. Now like most people, I’ve had around,
oh 753 attempts at losing weight, all of which have basically
failed. I realised in early October that I was at my heaviest
weight ever. (leftover ivf weight, then months of emotionally
eating myself to whale like proportions) I also decided that I
wasn’t prepared to do Ivf again until I had lost a significant
amount. I got back on the metformin (ugh) joined a gym and started
being careful with food, and I actually lost about 8ish kg over
about 6 weeks. Then (excuses ahead!) reports, Christmas, holidays,
blah blah blah happened and I stopped being so careful, stopped the
met (after getting a 6 week long cold flu thing) and stopped gym. I
put on about 4 of those lost 8kg’s. My mum has being doing Tony
Ferguson for a couple of months, and has had some success (which is
great, because she is about as good at sticking to “diets” as me!)
– so I thought I’d give it a go. I do have some reservations about
meal replacement programs, but I know they work in the short term
at least, so even if I can shift a percentage of this weight
pre-Ivf, that has to be a good thing. When I went to find out about
it, I was pleasantly surprised. They have a specific program for
pcos sufferers and what looks like a good education &
maintenance program. I signed up there and then. I’m back on the
Met, and we went back to the gym. Now to work toward that other
goal: consistency.

Holidays January 5, 2011

Posted by Natasha in Life, News and Drivel, Uncategorized.
Tags: , ,
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Are blissful. An hard earned. Had a brilliant evening in
the city last night, but have discovered at the age of 27 that I am
highly allergic to mosquito bites. That, or the mozzies have
suddenly turned radioactive.

Strange June 21, 2010

Posted by Natasha in Uncategorized.
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Infertility and loss, and the grief that go along with them, are strange. I have been so good – ok – fine, even… For months now.
Today, I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Realisations… Planning work for the period I should have been going on leave… Stupid comments, directed at other people, yet still awful… Suspicions… I think a friend is waiting for the right time to tell me about number two… Dread… My life has been free of pregnant-people-I-see-regularly for around 3 weeks, for the first time in at least 3 years… Waiting for the axe to fall.
Those events that were ‘will I be able to do that while heavily pregnant’ are on the horizon.

Which means that so is August 16.

She’s here April 14, 2010

Posted by Natasha in Uncategorized.
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And I bet I’m the only person on earth who feels sad because of it. Happy, but the tears are sad ones.

A year April 8, 2010

Posted by Natasha in Uncategorized.
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As of Monday just gone, I have been married to my wonderful husband for one year.

The last year has been… Well… Difficult.

Less than a week after returning from our honeymoon, we received a letter from our real estate agent telling us we were so behind on our rent (a grand total of about 10 days – because we had just gotten back from the most expensive week of our lives!) that if we didn’t pay within 24 hours, we would be evicted. We did pay. But we also realised that we couldn’t keep going like this. Our house had been sold from under us in the week before the wedding, and we were sick of it. We decided to move in with my new in-laws.

That week, Mr G started his new job, after having been out of work for around 3 months, and unreliable part-time before that. He was required to be 250km away from home 3 nights a week.

I was commuting 100 km each day, to a workplace I hate(d – still do), to ‘teach’ kids who were out of control.

In July, we did our first round of IUI. Convinced it would work, I was devastated when it failed. I found out my close friend was pregnant with an Oh Crap.

I taught myself to sew, and threw myself into my photography.

September, we had had enough of the constant tension with the In-Laws, and moved for the second time that year. The 4th time in 4 years.

Late October, we commenced IVF. I found out my best friend was pregnant.

I fell pregnant (saying it like that makes it sound like an accident).

In early December, I miscarried.

A week later, my grandma ended up in hospital with a suspected stroke. She was ok, but it shook my to my already very fragile core.

We went on holiday, to try and recover. Went camping with friends, who, it turns out, are expecting a baby in August.

In Febrary, we have dinner with those same friends, and honestly, it leads me to have a bit of a breakdown. I realise that my 3-month long mumph isn’t normal, that I hate myself and what I have become – a bitter, angry, jealous, baby obsessed shadow of myself.

I seek counselling. Which is more helpful than I could ever have imagined.

Slowly, the darkness lifts.

April. Our year draws to a close. I plan a holiday to Tasmania for myself and the man who has been by my side for every bump of this crazy journey. I don’t know how I have been lucky enough to find him, but I am so glad that I did. Because every day, he helps me find myself again.

I know that our first year of marriage was nothing like we expected, but it just shows how strong we actually are.

And the best is yet to come.

Not a good day to play the ‘should have been’s March 24, 2010

Posted by Natasha in Uncategorized.
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I have had a shitty month at work. I got royally screwed again when my awesome teaching partner had to move to fill a vacancy that they didn’t want to fill externally (because why would you replace someone who resigned??). I got left with a complete leech of a teaching partner. This woman is so lazy and incompetent that she expects me to do all of her work for her. She is a top of the range leading teacher, but apparently that doesn’t actually mean she’s any good.

I got Jack of it, applied for another job, interviewed, and got the knock back this morning. It went to an assistant principal who is moving from interstate.

This in itself doesn’t bother me. I know that among a different field of applicants, the situation would be different, and I would probably have gotten it. I’ve only been at this gig 4.25 years, fair enough that experience should win.

The thing that shits me is that now on stuck with this idiot woman.

And sitting on the couch, I started thinking.

This shouldn’t matter. This should be my last term in that hell hole before maternity leave.

Then I realised, that if our first cycle has worked, I should be about 35 weeks. I should be going on maternity leave right now.

There it is… March 24, 2010

Posted by Natasha in Uncategorized.
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That feeling of normality.

I am forcing myself to visit with *that* friend tomorrow night. The “Whoops” one.

She’s about to pop any day.

I had an awful dream the other night that I went to visit her and bub in the hospital, and she told me I should go, because I hadn’t been around for the ladst nine months. Now I doubt that this would happen, but it shook me. So as an exercise in… Something… (Self torture? Healing? I don’t know)… I am meeting with her tomorrow. For the first time since she announced she was pregnant.

One of my friends told me today that his surrogate is finally pregnant after her 3rd IVF. She had an early loss after their last one. I am thrilled for them. And there isn’t a hint of bitterness there. Because he gets it.

Maybe I’m not so awful after all.

But I’m still not going to that baby shower.

Horrible March 18, 2010

Posted by Natasha in Uncategorized.
10 comments

I am a horrible person.

I just worked out that at least 20 babies will have either been born since mid last year, or in the next 6 months, to friends and colleagues. And I don’t know that many people.

And I can’t find a shred of true happiness for any of them.

Tashology March 1, 2010

Posted by Natasha in Uncategorized.
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Haven’t felt much like blogging.

Got lost inside my own head, and I’m struggling to find my way out.

It’s very, very dark in here.

***

The post title, I just remembered, is because I saw this yesterday, and thought something along the lines of “Huh, I really should dust off the blog”

Signed in on Shiny New PC, wrote the title, and got distracted.

Signed back in the morning, along much the same thought-lines, and wrote the above.

Now, for what I had intended to do

*

*

*

FOODOLOGY:

What is your salad dressing of choice? Cabrini’s Caesar Salad Dressing

What is your favorite sit-down restuarant? Hmm, tough one… I am surrounded by amazing restaurants, so much so that I don’t have a ‘favourite’, because then I feel like I’m missing out on all the others.

What is your favorite fast food restaurant? Those pasta places in food courts.

What food could you eat every day for two weeks and not get sick of? Ski D’Lite Peach & Mango Yoghurt.

What are your pizza toppings of choice? Meat lovers + BBQ sauce & Pineapple.

How many televisions are in your house? 2

What color cell phone do you have? Black in a grey skin.

BIOLOGY:

Are you right-handed or left-handed? Right, with the tendency to do random things with my left.

Have you ever had anything removed from your body? 4 Teeth. In the chair. With no anaesthetic. 2 eggs. With lots of anaesthetic. Hard to say which was more traumatic.

What is the last heavy item you lifted?  A bix-ass box of books, projector, speakers and laptop, while carrying it to my classroom.

Have you ever been knocked unconscious? Nope

Have you ever fainted? Almost, after donating plasma. (I should add to the ‘removed from body’ section – lots and lots and lots of blood)

BULLCRAPOLOGY:

If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die? No way.

If you could change your name, what would you change it to? I love my name. It’s the only thing I have that my Dad gave me.

How many pairs of flip flops do you own? 3

Last person you talked to? Mr G.

FAVORITOLOGY:

Season? Spring

Holiday? Ordinarily, Christmas. After 2009, maybe not so much.

Day of the week? Friday @ 3:10- never any more weekend left than that moment!

Month? September

Colour? Teal/Sapphire/Peacock Blue

Drink? Milo

Alcoholic? Sauv Blanc or Fruity Lexia

CURRENTOLOGY:

Missing someone? Yes.

What are you listening to? Radiohead

What are you watching? Nothing. I don’t remember the last time I turned the TV on.

Worrying about?  IVF, whether we’re ‘ok’ to start trying again.

What’s the last movie you saw? Ummmm. Oh, Avatar. Loved it.

Do you smile often? Not as much, recently.

If you could change your eye color what would it be? Blue-Green

What’s on your wish list for your birthday? Being pregnant.

Can you do a chin-up? Nope

Does the future make you more nervous or excited? Bit of both, depending on why you’re asking.

Have you been in a car wreck? Yes, but not a bad one.

Have you caused a car wreck? I ran up someone’s arse, does that count?

Do you have an accent? Does Auuuuus-traaaaal-yan count?

Last time you cried? Earlier today.

Plans tonight? Hoping hoping hoping The Husband comes home.

Have you ever felt like you hit rock bottom? Yes.

Name three things you bought yesterday? Pfff. A Car, a computer, lunch.

Have you met someone who changed your life? Many people. Everyone I consider important in my life, has changed it in some way.

For the better or worse? For everything.

How did you bring in the New Year? Lol, huddled in our car, sheltering from Massive Rain Storm NYE ’09-’10, which later proceeded to turn the bottom of our tent into a waterbed.

Would you go back in time if you were given the chance? Yes.

What songs do you sing in the shower? Paul Dempsey, lately.

Have you held hands with someone today? No

Who was the last person you took a picture of? Zappy, does that count?

Are most of the friends in your life new or old? Old

Do you like pulpy orange juice? Geuh, I don’t like Orange Juice at all.

Last time you ate peanut butter and jelly? I never have. But now I really want to.

What were you doing at 12 a.m. last night? Sleeping.

What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up? Holy hell, what time is it. (It was very, very early)