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Fear December 4, 2009

Posted by Natasha in IVF.
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Is the strongest feeling I have right now.

I POAS (FRER for those who might be curious) yesterday, and for a second I thought I saw a line.

I looked again, and no, there wasn’t anything.

I kept looking, and almost convinced myself that there was the smallest imaginable suggestion of a colour change where the line should be. But no.

It was 9dp2dt, and it was a BFN. However much I tried willing it to be otherwise.

I haven’t tested since.

I flit between thinking ‘maybe’, and then ‘it’s just the crinone’.

I don’t know what I feel. I don’t think I feel pregnant. But then, what does pregnant feel like?

I might test tomorrow.

I might wait for my Beta / Period.

I might be pregnant.

I might not be.

Today is Friday, tomorrow is Saturday, the next day is Sunday, and the day after that I will know for sure.

Baby, please stay.

Stormy skies. August 21, 2009

Posted by Natasha in Infertility, Life.
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Today, I’m back to mostly feeling ill. Mainly because there is every likelihood that I have succumbed to the dreaded swine flu.

I’m still feeling flat, but the raw emotion of yesterday has dissipated.

I cried myself to sleep last night. I am not sleeping well, I keep waking with fever.

Very, very grateful that I was not at work yesterday afternoon, when I would have been in class as the realisation hit me, that it really was over.

Looking outside the window, my feelings are mirrored. The skies are grey, the wind is howling, the rain is pelting against the tin roof. The last fortnight has been filled with brilliant sunshine and the promise of spring, and today, winter has returned.

When we get to cycle again, it will be my favourite month of the year.

September. Good things happen in September. Maybe even better things will happen in October. And then again in early July. Maybe I will get to be a mother before I’m [Holy Shit!] 27.

I’m sorry August, I couldn’t make you any better.

I suppose I have learned a few things this month.

  • I have become more in-tune with my body, and have understood more about why I feel like I do at certain times during the month.
  • I have learned that I really can’t wish things into existence, and that no matter how much I work for things, sometimes they just don’t happen.
  • I have learned that sometimes I am prone to bouts of uncontrolled jealousy, and that I need to work on this.
  • I have realised just how frustrated and trapped I feel in our current situation.
  • “Symptoms” are bullshit.
  • I have learned that medicine is not an exact science. And this frightens me.

My thoughts as to why it went wrong?

1. We were rushed. We weren’t ready for it to happen. By happening when it did, we were placed under massive amounts of financial stress.

2. The timing was off. All my reading says that CD1 starts 14 days after ovulation. That means that the IUI was 24, not the currently recommended 36  hours after I ovulated.

3. There is no reason. It really is just one of those horrible things that just happens.

So, taking it easy this month. No obsessing over every little twinge.

Onward and upward.

13dpiui… Move along, nothing to see here August 20, 2009

Posted by Natasha in Infertility.
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Haven’t tested this morning, but tested last night, and still nothing.

Had a big cry yesterday. Its just such a horrible feeling.

Will hold out now until AF is definitely late, (not that that is likely to happen – should arrive tomorrow or Saturday).

10dpiui – aka… sigh… August 17, 2009

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Enough said.

Bought a super-sensitive cheapie test (10 whatevers). Still negative.

Hope is fading. I’m sure if I was in line for a BFP I would have seen one by now.

I felt like crying this afternoon, I just feel so bloody miserable.

Eugh.

9dpiui – aka, nothing to see here. August 16, 2009

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Except another single line, and the feeling that AF is on her way.

Becoming doubtful.

Bought a highly recommended pregnancy book, got frustrated because of the ‘diary’ of someone who went off the pill, and ‘oooh, woo’ got pregnant first month trying.

Can’t decide whether to test tomorrow & Tuesday, as Mr G will be away for work.

Sigh.

There’s a baby at the end of this, right?

8dpIUI – aka, I caved. August 15, 2009

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Having four HPT’s sitting right there proved to be too much temptation, so I caved. Unsurprisingly, negative.

I know that it doesn’t really mean anything, but I figured that a negative may not really mean a negative, but that if by some one-in-a-million chance it was positive, then I wanted to know 🙂

I’m feeling less ‘symptomatic’ now than last week. Although again, I know that not even that means anything.

Patience. Is very, very difficult.

6dpiui – aka – Owww August 13, 2009

Posted by Natasha in Infertility, News and Drivel.
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Mah boobs! They hurt!

Also, cramping.

Also, can’t. stop. eating.

Also, can’t. remember. anything.

Also, must. sleep.

One more week until testing. I think I can, I think I can, I think I can…