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10dp2dt, still nothing… December 5, 2009

Posted by Natasha in IVF.
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… Except a blindingly white space where there should be a second line. I really don’t think I’m pregnant.

The contigency plan is seeking answers. I want to know why, at 26, I didn’t respond properly. 36 follies that only grew to roughly 10mm? What’s that about?? Will different drug regimes yield better results? We can’t keep doing stim cycles for 1 egg, we might as well do iui’s!

(interestingly, they’re happy to do dIUI, but when it comes to Ivf with donor sperm, they insist on ICSI, because apparently they have more success!! What’s that saying about the real success rates for dIUI?)

I feel defective. The egg meets sperm part was supposed to be the biggest hurdle. What if I have crappy egg issues to deal with too?

Fear December 4, 2009

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Is the strongest feeling I have right now.

I POAS (FRER for those who might be curious) yesterday, and for a second I thought I saw a line.

I looked again, and no, there wasn’t anything.

I kept looking, and almost convinced myself that there was the smallest imaginable suggestion of a colour change where the line should be. But no.

It was 9dp2dt, and it was a BFN. However much I tried willing it to be otherwise.

I haven’t tested since.

I flit between thinking ‘maybe’, and then ‘it’s just the crinone’.

I don’t know what I feel. I don’t think I feel pregnant. But then, what does pregnant feel like?

I might test tomorrow.

I might wait for my Beta / Period.

I might be pregnant.

I might not be.

Today is Friday, tomorrow is Saturday, the next day is Sunday, and the day after that I will know for sure.

Baby, please stay.

Feeling better September 21, 2009

Posted by Natasha in Infertility, Life.
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And, holidays are here!

Truly the best bit about this job, is that I’m never more than 12 weeks away from my next break. Which is just the way it should be!

1 Month and 1 day since the crimson announcement that IUI #1 didn’t work. I think I’ve made some progress.

Today, I decided to lay in the hammock in the sunshine with my beautiful little niece, who promptly fell asleep. This didn’t even make me want to crumple into a ball and cry for a week.

Perhaps its because she, at all of 13 months, is most definitely not a baby any more. Don’t get me wrong, I want a child more than anything else on earth, but my personal trigger for plunging into a deep, dark hole seems to be anything ‘baby’ related.

Or perhaps, it is because in the last month I have made a concerted effort to find other things to obsess over. I’ve been sewing like crazy, I’ve been playing with the camera, and fine tuning my photoshop skills. I have been talking to people outside the ALI world. You know, actually connecting with people face-to-face. Amazing.

We’re not cycling this month. We are moving out of the Outlaws and into the Grandparent Coccoon. This makes me Very Happy. It will be happening this weekend, if Mr. G is feeling healthy again (I of course have been sick for the last fortnight, but now that he has man-flu – OH NOES!!!).

I intend to do some research over the next fortnight about our options re finance for IVF. Otherwise, we will definitely do IUI#2 in October. Right now, I’m just loving September.

ICLW kicks off again today/tomorrow (depending on where you are in the world). Hi to people visiting via there 🙂 I really will try not to be such a puddle of misery this month!!

Stormy skies. August 21, 2009

Posted by Natasha in Infertility, Life.
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Today, I’m back to mostly feeling ill. Mainly because there is every likelihood that I have succumbed to the dreaded swine flu.

I’m still feeling flat, but the raw emotion of yesterday has dissipated.

I cried myself to sleep last night. I am not sleeping well, I keep waking with fever.

Very, very grateful that I was not at work yesterday afternoon, when I would have been in class as the realisation hit me, that it really was over.

Looking outside the window, my feelings are mirrored. The skies are grey, the wind is howling, the rain is pelting against the tin roof. The last fortnight has been filled with brilliant sunshine and the promise of spring, and today, winter has returned.

When we get to cycle again, it will be my favourite month of the year.

September. Good things happen in September. Maybe even better things will happen in October. And then again in early July. Maybe I will get to be a mother before I’m [Holy Shit!] 27.

I’m sorry August, I couldn’t make you any better.

I suppose I have learned a few things this month.

  • I have become more in-tune with my body, and have understood more about why I feel like I do at certain times during the month.
  • I have learned that I really can’t wish things into existence, and that no matter how much I work for things, sometimes they just don’t happen.
  • I have learned that sometimes I am prone to bouts of uncontrolled jealousy, and that I need to work on this.
  • I have realised just how frustrated and trapped I feel in our current situation.
  • “Symptoms” are bullshit.
  • I have learned that medicine is not an exact science. And this frightens me.

My thoughts as to why it went wrong?

1. We were rushed. We weren’t ready for it to happen. By happening when it did, we were placed under massive amounts of financial stress.

2. The timing was off. All my reading says that CD1 starts 14 days after ovulation. That means that the IUI was 24, not the currently recommended 36  hours after I ovulated.

3. There is no reason. It really is just one of those horrible things that just happens.

So, taking it easy this month. No obsessing over every little twinge.

Onward and upward.

It didn’t work August 20, 2009

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My period just arrived.

Shattering us into a million pieces.

13dpiui… Move along, nothing to see here August 20, 2009

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Haven’t tested this morning, but tested last night, and still nothing.

Had a big cry yesterday. Its just such a horrible feeling.

Will hold out now until AF is definitely late, (not that that is likely to happen – should arrive tomorrow or Saturday).

10dpiui – aka… sigh… August 17, 2009

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Enough said.

Bought a super-sensitive cheapie test (10 whatevers). Still negative.

Hope is fading. I’m sure if I was in line for a BFP I would have seen one by now.

I felt like crying this afternoon, I just feel so bloody miserable.


8dpIUI – aka, I caved. August 15, 2009

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Having four HPT’s sitting right there proved to be too much temptation, so I caved. Unsurprisingly, negative.

I know that it doesn’t really mean anything, but I figured that a negative may not really mean a negative, but that if by some one-in-a-million chance it was positive, then I wanted to know 🙂

I’m feeling less ‘symptomatic’ now than last week. Although again, I know that not even that means anything.

Patience. Is very, very difficult.