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Hello teacher, tell me, what’s my lesson? August 20, 2009

Posted by Natasha in Infertility, Life, Rants.
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Rambly, horrible thoughts.

I’m trying to understand. I’m trying to find out what this *means*

Am I being punished?

I truly don’t believe that I have ever done anything deserving of this. I have faced trials, I have triumphed. N.O.T.H.I.N.G has come easily.

Am I being taught a lesson?

I GET IT! Babies are a gift, a treasure, a precious miracle. They are given to us so that we can give to them.

Why did this (not) happen?

I feel incredibly guilty for being so upset. I feel like I don’t deserve to be miserable. It’s not like it was our last try, its not like we lost embryos, or a baby. I feel like those naive, stupid girls who cry because they didn’t fall pregnant their first month trying.

This is somewhere around month 25.

And in brutal honesty?

I feel a monstrous, wrenching guilt, because I went into this knowingly…

I knew from day one that we would travel a path like this.

But that doesn’t make it any fucking easier to walk along.

I have failed. This is a waste. This is wrong. This is not fair.

9dpiui – aka, nothing to see here. August 16, 2009

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Except another single line, and the feeling that AF is on her way.

Becoming doubtful.

Bought a highly recommended pregnancy book, got frustrated because of the ‘diary’ of someone who went off the pill, and ‘oooh, woo’ got pregnant first month trying.

Can’t decide whether to test tomorrow & Tuesday, as Mr G will be away for work.


There’s a baby at the end of this, right?

I’m not a bad person August 13, 2009

Posted by Natasha in Infertility, Life.
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So the friend who announced her pregnancy has her first ultrasound today. I was honestly worried at what my reaction would be if she had received bad news. I really do wonder if this infertility is making me a bad person.

When I hadn’t heard from her by late evening, and she hadn’t updated her facebook (keep in mind that she announced to her 400 nearest and dearest that “we just found out that we are 4 weeks pregnant!!” the day she got her blood results), I was getting a little concerned.

When I spoke to her on MSN, and she told me she had gone well, that they had seen the heartbeat, and baby is measuring right on track at 6w4d, my first reaction was relief. I even managed some genuine excitement!

I’m proud of myself, but also a little relieved. I’m not really a bad person.

(And on an unrelated note, I bought a HPT tonight)

Waiting August 5, 2009

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I’m sure that others have written more, and more eloquently about the waiting aspect of an ART cycle.

But god it sucks.

I have waited for an initial consult, waited to be financially and mentally ready to start a cycle, waited for another appointment, waited for screening results, waited for nurse appointments, waited for blood test results, waited for ultrasound results, waited for my levels to rise appropriately, waited for the next pregnancy announcement to pull the rug out from underneath me again…

Right now I am waiting for tomorrow morning, when I will have the tests that confirm one of 4 things.

1. (Least desirable) – I have already ovulated. Cycle Cancelled

2. (Actually, just as undesirable) – I have overstimulated. Cycle Cancelled.

4. (Ok, but frustrating nonetheless) – not quite ready, keep stimming.

3. (Please!!) Ready to trigger.

I’ll let you know this time tomorrow.

I am sitting here with heavy ovaries (interesting to now be aware that *that* is what that feeling is. I’m terrified.

I feel like I’m caught in an IF no-man’s land. I knew the first time I slept with my DH, that there was no chance that it would ever lead to a pregnancy. I knew then that we were infertile.

I still hoped.

This August marks two years since I first cried at a negative HPT.

One year since I was so, so sure that ‘this one’ would be positive.

If number 4 eventuates, IUI will be Saturday morning. That takes the TWW out to the 22nd.

I’d really like a reason to like August.

The trifecta. August 2, 2009

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Tomorrow is my neice’s first birthday.

Today was her party.

I have cried many tears because of this little girl.

Today was no different.

As if simply witnessing this joyous event wasn’t hard enough, unsurprisingly, there was another tiny newborn at the party.

And then the trifecta. A pregnancy announcement. Another f***ing honeymoon baby.

I am the girl who cries in bathrooms at parties.

an illness. July 29, 2009

Posted by Natasha in Infertility, Rants.
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I’m sitting wrapped in a doona, surrounded by a pile of soggy tissues, red eyed, and sniffling. The shaking has subsided, but the horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach lingers.

What terrible malady has befallen me?

A pregnancy announcement.

A girl who used to be my best friend. The reasons for the past tense are many, varied and long standing. But she is pregnant, with what must be her honeymoon baby.

She cursed her “stupid, super fertile body” because she “didn’t want it to happen now”.

This illness, makes part of me a bad person. Part of me hates her. Part of me is seething with jealousy. She has PCOS! I should be jumping from the rafters with joy! But I don’t know if I can ever see her again.

She doesn’t know how far along she is. She hasn’t told her parents.

Is every pregnancy announcement going to be like this?

“It will happen when you least expect it”

We’ve paid thousands of dollars, to stick needles into my stomach every day, have a stranger squirt a stranger’s sperm inside me,  to wait with that unique mix of pure hope and dread that only an Infertile’s two-week-wait can bring. Yes, you’re right, if it happens, it will be totally unexpected.

In a small way, she is right, because I don’t really expect that this will ever work.

And that illness makes me reach for fresh tissues.