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Still pregnant, for now. December 10, 2009

Posted by Natasha in Finally Pregnant!, Infertility, IVF, Uncategorized.
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The official word is ‘threatened abortion, possible ectopic’. Too early to confirm via US, although there is a suggestion of an intrauterine gestational sac.

Repeat beta tomorrow.

“I’m very sorry, its not looking good for a continued pregnancy. But there is still a very small chance”

And that’s all I can cling to.

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About as bad as it could look December 10, 2009

Posted by Natasha in Finally Pregnant!, Infertility, IVF, Uncategorized.
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Bleeding got worse, at the hospital now.

It’s not looking good.

Waiting again.

Early, scary days. Aka insomnia. December 7, 2009

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Aka if it’s 430 am on Monday, is it too early to pee on another stick?

Or

I haven’t started bleeding, but every time I notice the crinone I think I have.

Or

I really hope I have 8 months left of this, and that somewhere it gets easier. (I am dubious about the latter, terrified to be even thinking about the former)

Or

3 hours to beta. 7 or so until that phone call.

The waiting time… November 23, 2009

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In less than two hours, I will be leaving for my egg retrieval.

Hope, wonder, terror.

What if…

What if they don’t find any eggs?

What if they find them, and they’re not mature?

What if they don’t fertilise?

What if they do fertilise, and then they die?

What if they don’t implant?

What if they do implant, and then they die?

Every step of the way is another investment, another slide down the tunnel of IF.

I never thought I’d get here.

But I said, never say never.

Days are dragging, weeks are flying. November 15, 2009

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I read a few minutes ago that “we all get our happy endings, its just a matter of when”.

I have trouble believing this.

I’m not sure if I mentioned before, but I have great difficulty reconciling the fact that this might actually work. I don’t mean this in a negative way, just that I have trouble, cognitively, realising this. Then I hear about people who travel this path, and they try, and try, and try. They don’t get their happy ending.

I worry that we will be those people. I worry abut what will happen if it DOES work? Obviously, I tend to the obsessive side. Can you imagine how bad I will be if I do eventually get to obsess over a pregnancy?

It saddens me, that I will never get to experience that naivety in regards to TTC and pregnancy. I can never think in terms of when. I have to deal with if.

Mr G is struggling with his disconnection from the whole process. As we have discussed, the actual role of the father in the whole pregnancy thing, is tiny. But as he pointed out to me today, no matter how small, its still crucial. I don’t know what to say, how to ‘fix’ it.

If I had to describe the way I’m feeling at the moment, it’s impatient. I have grown a lot over the last few months, but I am still trying to move beyond the reality that I am a product of the 21st century, and I want everything now.

I want to be ok with the now.

Nervous October 26, 2009

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Before I’ve even started.

I had an awful dream last night that I was going for an ultrasound, in which I think I was expecting to see my babies heart beat, and there was nothing there.

I had to consciously make myself realise as I awoke in dread that we hadn’t even started yet!

I’m trying to find out everything I can. That obsessive streak is so well suited to all of this ART stuff. I want to go into this informed, prepared, and ready to ask questions.

Hello teacher, tell me, what’s my lesson? August 20, 2009

Posted by Natasha in Infertility, Life, Rants.
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Rambly, horrible thoughts.

I’m trying to understand. I’m trying to find out what this *means*

Am I being punished?

I truly don’t believe that I have ever done anything deserving of this. I have faced trials, I have triumphed. N.O.T.H.I.N.G has come easily.

Am I being taught a lesson?

I GET IT! Babies are a gift, a treasure, a precious miracle. They are given to us so that we can give to them.

Why did this (not) happen?

I feel incredibly guilty for being so upset. I feel like I don’t deserve to be miserable. It’s not like it was our last try, its not like we lost embryos, or a baby. I feel like those naive, stupid girls who cry because they didn’t fall pregnant their first month trying.

This is somewhere around month 25.

And in brutal honesty?

I feel a monstrous, wrenching guilt, because I went into this knowingly…

I knew from day one that we would travel a path like this.

But that doesn’t make it any fucking easier to walk along.

I have failed. This is a waste. This is wrong. This is not fair.

Why I Don’t like Hospitals May 7, 2008

Posted by Natasha in Life.
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I’ve only been to a hospital for a good reason, like the birth of a baby, a couple of times. That is not why I don’t like hospitals. Labour wards are great, they smell like flowers, and have balloons, and teddies, and there are babies! I don’t really think most labour wards are like hospitals at all really.

Personally, I’ve only had reason to be admitted to hospital on… 3 occasions. First, when I was five, I had to have my arm re-broken, after the first hospital set it at a 45 degree angle, and didn’t realise this for 6 weeks. I woke up during the anaesthetic. Second, I was in overnight with some weird breathing thing when I was 9. Third, when I was 10, I had some weird hip-pain thing, and ended up in traction for maybe 6 or 7 days. That’s not why I don’t like hospitals. In fact, as a patient, children’s wards are fascinating places with awesome toys.

I first started to really dislike hospitals when Brother was admitted for 12 days, after mangling his arm. He was in the same children’s ward that I had been in, 7 years earlier, and even then, it was still an interesting place with even cooler toys. However, after being in a hospital with a brother who may not ever regain full use of his arm (he did, he’s now fine) takes its toll, and I took a wander. And ended up in the ICU ward. Where I promptly freaked out.

The reason I really dislike hospitals may have started when my baby brother went to hospital to get his heart fixed, and never came home. I was 3, and couldn’t understand. Maybe because last year, the last place I saw my grandmother was in a hospital.

I know that’s why my mum doesn’t like hospitals. She thinks that having surgery, particularly of the heart or lung variety, is a death sentence. That’s why she really thought she was going to die during her lung biopsy this morning. I don’t like hospitals, because they are a reminder of what we are afraid of. I look around, and I see people who are clearly very ill with cancer. I see little girls in school uniform, walking around on crutches. I look toward their faces and notice the bandanas on their heads. I don’t like hospitals because they are full of sick people, and I don’t like hospitals because they fascinate me.

People go to hospital because they are sick or in pain. Sometimes they get better, sometimes they get sicker, sometimes they don’t make it home, sometimes its just a stepping stone and a forewarning of things to come.

I don’t like hospitals, but that doesn’t mean I won’t be there every step of the way for you Mum.

I hope you have your fears alleviated soon.