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Days are dragging, weeks are flying. November 15, 2009

Posted by Natasha in Infertility.
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I read a few minutes ago that “we all get our happy endings, its just a matter of when”.

I have trouble believing this.

I’m not sure if I mentioned before, but I have great difficulty reconciling the fact that this might actually work. I don’t mean this in a negative way, just that I have trouble, cognitively, realising this. Then I hear about people who travel this path, and they try, and try, and try. They don’t get their happy ending.

I worry that we will be those people. I worry abut what will happen if it DOES work? Obviously, I tend to the obsessive side. Can you imagine how bad I will be if I do eventually get to obsess over a pregnancy?

It saddens me, that I will never get to experience that naivety in regards to TTC and pregnancy. I can never think in terms of when. I have to deal with if.

Mr G is struggling with his disconnection from the whole process. As we have discussed, the actual role of the father in the whole pregnancy thing, is tiny. But as he pointed out to me today, no matter how small, its still crucial. I don’t know what to say, how to ‘fix’ it.

If I had to describe the way I’m feeling at the moment, it’s impatient. I have grown a lot over the last few months, but I am still trying to move beyond the reality that I am a product of the 21st century, and I want everything now.

I want to be ok with the now.

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Nervous October 26, 2009

Posted by Natasha in Infertility.
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Before I’ve even started.

I had an awful dream last night that I was going for an ultrasound, in which I think I was expecting to see my babies heart beat, and there was nothing there.

I had to consciously make myself realise as I awoke in dread that we hadn’t even started yet!

I’m trying to find out everything I can. That obsessive streak is so well suited to all of this ART stuff. I want to go into this informed, prepared, and ready to ask questions.

5dpiui – aka, the biggest whinge I’ve had in ages. August 12, 2009

Posted by Natasha in Infertility, Rants.
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One week tomorrow until I test.

Argh, sooo tired (after 9 hours of sleep). Sooo hungry (after 2 lunches and 4 bottles of water). Sooo Irritable. My memory is ridiculous. I walk into rooms and forget why I’m there. A little crampy still, but really I think I’m just thinking these things into existence. I have really sore sinuses, but its probably just dehydration from the heaters. Freezing here today.

This feels an awful lot like PMS.

I’m sitting at my desk, waiting for the bell to go in ten minutes, and I’m really wondering how I’m going to make it home without¬† a nap.

Work was completely awful today.

When I was having all these issues at the end of last term (when my teaching partner up and left), I was told that I would have lots more support. Well that hasn’t happened. One of the people I teach with now, who is the coordinator, likes to bring her laptop and her marking into the room with her, meaning that I have to teach and control 40 kids. You can imagine how well that works. I am doing 98% of the load that should be shared by 4 people.

I can never get over how incredibly selfish the kids are. I know that sounds crazy, because of course I am talking about year sevens – teenagers – of course they’re bloody selfish, it’s their job! But they are terrible. They can’t even watch a movie that has been put on for them.Soo self righteous, demanding, and obnoxious.

Whinge Whinge Whinge…

I’m going home to see my husband for the first time since Sunday, and to have a sleep.

Waiting August 5, 2009

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I’m sure that others have written more, and more eloquently about the waiting aspect of an ART cycle.

But god it sucks.

I have waited for an initial consult, waited to be financially and mentally ready to start a cycle, waited for another appointment, waited for screening results, waited for nurse appointments, waited for blood test results, waited for ultrasound results, waited for my levels to rise appropriately, waited for the next pregnancy announcement to pull the rug out from underneath me again…

Right now I am waiting for tomorrow morning, when I will have the tests that confirm one of 4 things.

1. (Least desirable) – I have already ovulated. Cycle Cancelled

2. (Actually, just as undesirable) – I have overstimulated. Cycle Cancelled.

4. (Ok, but frustrating nonetheless) – not quite ready, keep stimming.

3. (Please!!) Ready to trigger.

I’ll let you know this time tomorrow.

I am sitting here with heavy ovaries (interesting to now be aware that *that* is what that feeling is. I’m terrified.

I feel like I’m caught in an IF no-man’s land. I knew the first time I slept with my DH, that there was no chance that it would ever lead to a pregnancy. I knew then that we were infertile.

I still hoped.

This August marks two years since I first cried at a negative HPT.

One year since I was so, so sure that ‘this one’ would be positive.

If number 4 eventuates, IUI will be Saturday morning. That takes the TWW out to the 22nd.

I’d really like a reason to like August.

A title escapes me… July 24, 2009

Posted by Natasha in Infertility, Life.
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In the second week of the holidays, we had our first counselling appointment for our fertility treatment. Weirdly, this didnt bother me. Ordinarily, I have no time for psychologists, and perhaps this was pretty obvious, because she hardly bothered to ask me any questions.

She suggested while we were speaking with her that it would be a good idea to attend the donor gametes seminar at the Hospital the following evening. Obligingly, we agreed.

The seminar was relatively interesting – but honestly, I am surprised at how boring I find the process. I know what to expect, I know what is involved, We have made our decisions, and just want to get on with it. The speakers at the seminar were of varying quality – the first man, the husband of an egg recipient, was very moving in his words, and quite inspiring. The second, a mother of twins also produced by donor eggs, was abrasive, negative, and divisive.

“Would I do it again? No.”

Easily said by someone who has two beautiful babies. She was so anti-the whole process that my sympathy actually went out to the third speaker, an egg donor herself, who got up and told us all how easily having babies had been for her, and that was why she wanted to help out.

Overall, our impression of the whole deal was that while very interesting, and raising some interesting ideas, it was almost irrelevant for us.

The following week, the first back at school (which… is going… Well! Kind of…) was our second counselling session, and the chance for us to choose our donor. This was ridiculously easy. There was a choice of about 20, we went to the tallest, and said done. From here on the entire process seems a little surreal. I had been wondering how we would decided on the ‘person’ who would provide the genetic material for our child. As it turns out, they provide you with so little information, it may as well be a random choice.

My greatest anger at that point was the requirement for Vic couples to undergo police checks and child protection checks prior to commencing fertility treatment (keep in mind that both of us already have working with children checks – I’m a registered teacher!!). The counsellor pointed out that it was because the government does not want to be seen to be providing funded fertility treatment to criminals… which, i can understand, but sheesh… what about providing public hospital beds to bogan mothers when they have their 5th baby, when they have a history of drug abuse and child harming? How is this any less wrong?

Our specialist appointment was scheduled for the following day, and we had organised the logistics carefully. Upon arriving just after 4, and announcing our arrival, we were informed that our Doctor does not see patients at that clinic on Thursdays, that he sees them only in the city! We rang the city office to confirm, and yes, the receptionist had booked us in at the wrong place, and we were now going to miss that appointment.

I was disproportionately angry, and I still couldn’t tell you why. I *think* it is because I had visions of this putting us back months. When you’re ready, you’re ready, and I wanted to have a plan! We made the next available appointment (for yesterday) in the city.

Getting into the city by 9:15 was always going to be a challenge, but we made it, and found parking, with about 5 minutes to spare. We met with the doctor, and informed him firstly that we were going to do IUI rather than IVF, and that I was on CD1.

Well, this is where the rollercoaster started! Suddenly, he was on the phone, organising a rush-appointment with the nurse, blood tests, paperwork, rush, rush rush! He did manage to inform me that I am tending towards PCOS, which is truly unsurprising.  5 minutes and $90 later, we were heading up to Vampire nurse.

We had our activation interview, and were advised to take home the DVD teaching me how to do my injectables – I had thought I would be doing a non-stim cycle, but it turns out that they always start out IUI with a low dose of Puregon to ensure ovulation.

I was pleasantly surprised when she put the needle in for my blood test, but as she was taking it out, I have no idea what she did, but it was incredibly painful! Within 5 minutes, it was obvious that I was going to have a very colourful (and paimful!) souvenir of my visit.

We managed to get an appointment at our regular clinic to meet with the nurse today, to collect our drugs. I’ve never done anything so seedy, handing over that much cash, and being given a bag full of drugs and syringes!

So now, we’re ready to go. I’ve practiced jabbing the little rubber thingy, and will give myself my first injection tonight.

Let the games begin!

And we’ll be moving right along… July 6, 2009

Posted by Natasha in Infertility, Life, News and Drivel, The Daily Grind.
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The holidays finally rolled around, although they currently feel like a myth.

I have to spend an insane amount of time preparing for term 3. I have a new teaching partner, my previous one having jumped ship; and we’re doing an all-new program. The basic premise is to have every single lesson prepared and copied and ready to go on day one. Sounds simple enough, the problem though is that it requires 120 lessons to be pre-prepped. Madness.

Other “holiday” tasks have included some more spring cleaning – trying to sort out the barn, and get it back to some semblance of organisation. Car borrowing, trailer hire, tip trip, furniture moving in the rain, rushing to beat closing time at Bunnings.

A girly night in a hotel in the city for a birthday, a day cruising the countryside after an ill-timed trip to scienceworks, a day with the grandparents and the puppy wandering around Dockland… The first week of holidays disappeared quickly.

Today saw the start of the week dawn with me in an absolutely feral mood. I have no idea why, and had no ability to control it, but thankfully by the time we walked out of the counsellor’s office at the IVF clinic, it had dissipated. The counselling session felt somewhat like a token effort: rather trite. Still, its another hoop that we have to jump through.