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Why do I cry? November 8, 2009

Posted by Natasha in Infertility.
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Firstly, it is almost 2am so I make no claims about how legible this post will be.

***

Laying in bed a few minutes ago, with a million thoughts running through my head, I came to a realisation.

I am like no other woman I know. I have very little concept of what it is like, in the first month trying for a baby, to expect to get pregnant. I imagine that it might be something like how I felt during the TWW of the IUI… hopeful.

We never went through the months of trying unsuccessfully. We arrived in the land of IF by a detour… the detour of knowledge.

These thoughts nestled their way into my overactive consciousness after the tears had stopped.

My best friend is 9 weeks pregnant.

For the first time, I didn’t have the ‘burning ice rising in the pit of my stomach’ feeling that ordinarily arises when I hear somebodies ‘good news’. She was very thoughtful in her announcement. It wasn’t at dinner, it was in person, cleverly timed for when I had the ability to focus my attention on something other than her, and when I could disguise my shaking hands. I could actually feel pleasure for her.

I am happy for them. They’ve been married four years, and have waited for ‘the right time’ long enough to know that it will never happen. They had been trying for two months before she got her miracle.

But I still feel incredible sadness, for us.

The grief comes out in funny ways. I’ve lost the relationship that I had with this friend. I would never, EVER, wish this journey on anyone, but there is still a certain camaraderie between the infertile and the childless. I don’t know about other infertiles, but I know that I am knowledgeable about pregnancy. I’ve memorised just about everything I’ve ever read. And given my recent coping strategy of attempted desensitisation, via the reading of everything you could ever possibly want to know about pregnancy and then some, that’s a lot.

The only person I have outside of the computer screen, who is going through this, is Mr G. Part of my reasoning behind my openness about all of this, is that I desperately want someone to say to me… I understand, I’m dealing with it too.

I have to believe that through this, we will become better people. Maybe its a path to enlightenment… Who knows, it’s 2:30 in the morning, anything is possible in these small hours.

I read on this on Rach’s Blog a few weeks ago, and I have been unable to get it out of my head.

The Oak Tree

  • A mighty wind blew night and day It stole the oak tree’s leaves away
    Then snapped its boughs and pulled its bark
    Until the oak was tired and stark

    But still the oak tree held its ground
    While other trees fell all around
    The weary wind gave up and spoke.
    How can you still be standing Oak?

    The oak tree said, I know that you
    Can break each branch of mine in two
    Carry every leaf away
    Shake my limbs, and make me sway

    But I have roots stretched in the earth
    Growing stronger since my birth
    You’ll never touch them, for you see
    They are the deepest part of me

    Until today, I wasn’t sure
    Of just how much I could endure
    But now I’ve found, with thanks to you
    I’m stronger than I ever knew

It says everything I can’t.

So, my dear friend.

I am sorry I couldn’t give you the best parts of me tonight. I am sorry that it became too much to bear, and that I had to hurry you out the door. I am simultaneously joyous and heartbroken that you are taking this step in your life. I am trying hard to become the person I want to be. I wish you nothing but happiness.

What not to say… August 24, 2009

Posted by Natasha in Infertility, Rants.
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***

Me: I got my beta result today. Negative. Huge surprise there.

Her: Oh, sorry to hear that. If it makes you feel any better, I wish I wasn’t pregnant.

***

(I really wish I had made this conversation up)

*Tag*

What ridiculous things have people said to you?

I worry… August 16, 2009

Posted by Natasha in Life.
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That sometimes, I am not a very good friend.

I caught up with a friend for lunch today, I haven’t seen her since our wedding. We met at uni, and while I would not call us *close* friends, I wonder whether we may have become this way, had I made more of an effort. This girl has, on many occasions, now that I think of it, made many moves to extend our friendship, and I worry that I have let myself become too introverted to even notice.

She mentioned that she had been dealing with depression, which was surprise enough in itself. Then, a little later on, she told me that two months ago, she had attempted suicide, and was very, very close to being successful. She knew what she was doing, it was very well thought out, and the ambulance nearly found her dead.

This has shaken me to the core. I can not imagine how I would have felt, if I had heard that she had taken her life.

I need to make more effort, with ALL of my friends. They are far too precious, and I don’t let them know it often enough.

I’m not a bad person August 13, 2009

Posted by Natasha in Infertility, Life.
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So the friend who announced her pregnancy has her first ultrasound today. I was honestly worried at what my reaction would be if she had received bad news. I really do wonder if this infertility is making me a bad person.

When I hadn’t heard from her by late evening, and she hadn’t updated her facebook (keep in mind that she announced to her 400 nearest and dearest that “we just found out that we are 4 weeks pregnant!!” the day she got her blood results), I was getting a little concerned.

When I spoke to her on MSN, and she told me she had gone well, that they had seen the heartbeat, and baby is measuring right on track at 6w4d, my first reaction was relief. I even managed some genuine excitement!

I’m proud of myself, but also a little relieved. I’m not really a bad person.

(And on an unrelated note, I bought a HPT tonight)