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Fear (5w6d) April 1, 2012

Posted by Natasha in Finally Pregnant!.
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I desperately want to escape the fear. Nurtured so carefully by years of infertility, the gradual decline of my faith in my body has lead me to this point.

I’ve started having vivid, awful dreams. Prior to last night, they were generally pretty abstract, or like the scene of a bad movie. But last night, continuous dreams of waking up bleeding. Dreams set very much in the here and now, nothing abstract, nothing surreal about them.

When will this stop feeling like make believe? Like fraud? When will I stop being afraid?

Stim day 2 November 9, 2009

Posted by Natasha in Infertility, Life, News and Drivel.
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I have finally started jabbing. I know that I haven’t really waited that long, given that we’re doing an antagonist rather than a down-reg, but I feel like I had to wait for ever for AF to show up. I really hope that I never have to do a long cycle, it would drive me crazy.

The jabs themselves are fine. It stung a little last night, but I think I went a little too close to my belly button. I’m feeling a very bloated, full feeling though. Not sure if it is the drugs, or whether its because I’ve had so much water to drink today. I’m not in any pain, just feel a bit ill, like I’ve over-eaten… but sheesh, this is day 2! I’ll ring the nurse tomorrow, see what she says.

The forecast this morning was for 7 out of the next 9 days to be over 30 degrees. Mr G’s birthday bash is on for this Saturday, and it’s supposed to be 37 and windy I think. Eugh. I hate when either Autumn or Spring disappear, but particularly Spring because I like it so much.

Why do I cry? November 8, 2009

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Firstly, it is almost 2am so I make no claims about how legible this post will be.


Laying in bed a few minutes ago, with a million thoughts running through my head, I came to a realisation.

I am like no other woman I know. I have very little concept of what it is like, in the first month trying for a baby, to expect to get pregnant. I imagine that it might be something like how I felt during the TWW of the IUI… hopeful.

We never went through the months of trying unsuccessfully. We arrived in the land of IF by a detour… the detour of knowledge.

These thoughts nestled their way into my overactive consciousness after the tears had stopped.

My best friend is 9 weeks pregnant.

For the first time, I didn’t have the ‘burning ice rising in the pit of my stomach’ feeling that ordinarily arises when I hear somebodies ‘good news’. She was very thoughtful in her announcement. It wasn’t at dinner, it was in person, cleverly timed for when I had the ability to focus my attention on something other than her, and when I could disguise my shaking hands. I could actually feel pleasure for her.

I am happy for them. They’ve been married four years, and have waited for ‘the right time’ long enough to know that it will never happen. They had been trying for two months before she got her miracle.

But I still feel incredible sadness, for us.

The grief comes out in funny ways. I’ve lost the relationship that I had with this friend. I would never, EVER, wish this journey on anyone, but there is still a certain camaraderie between the infertile and the childless. I don’t know about other infertiles, but I know that I am knowledgeable about pregnancy. I’ve memorised just about everything I’ve ever read. And given my recent coping strategy of attempted desensitisation, via the reading of everything you could ever possibly want to know about pregnancy and then some, that’s a lot.

The only person I have outside of the computer screen, who is going through this, is Mr G. Part of my reasoning behind my openness about all of this, is that I desperately want someone to say to me… I understand, I’m dealing with it too.

I have to believe that through this, we will become better people. Maybe its a path to enlightenment… Who knows, it’s 2:30 in the morning, anything is possible in these small hours.

I read on this on Rach’s Blog a few weeks ago, and I have been unable to get it out of my head.

The Oak Tree

  • A mighty wind blew night and day It stole the oak tree’s leaves away
    Then snapped its boughs and pulled its bark
    Until the oak was tired and stark

    But still the oak tree held its ground
    While other trees fell all around
    The weary wind gave up and spoke.
    How can you still be standing Oak?

    The oak tree said, I know that you
    Can break each branch of mine in two
    Carry every leaf away
    Shake my limbs, and make me sway

    But I have roots stretched in the earth
    Growing stronger since my birth
    You’ll never touch them, for you see
    They are the deepest part of me

    Until today, I wasn’t sure
    Of just how much I could endure
    But now I’ve found, with thanks to you
    I’m stronger than I ever knew

It says everything I can’t.

So, my dear friend.

I am sorry I couldn’t give you the best parts of me tonight. I am sorry that it became too much to bear, and that I had to hurry you out the door. I am simultaneously joyous and heartbroken that you are taking this step in your life. I am trying hard to become the person I want to be. I wish you nothing but happiness.

Still Waiting… November 2, 2009

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Nuff said.

Gargh… When you don’t want it, it shows, when you do, it doesn’t.

Getting back on… October 22, 2009

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…the horse… the rollercoaster… it’s a choose-your-0wn-metaphor adventure!

We are good to go.

Antagonist cycle, starting as soon as AF arrives. I have never been so eager for this to happen!

I feel like our appointment this morning was a bit of a waste of time really. I have done *so much* reading about IVF, that he didn’t really tell me anything other than his opinion. He also completely failed to acknowledge Mr G, though he did successfully bamboozle him! We were in there for all of 5 minutes. Thank goodness we’re over the safety net now, because the appointment cost us all of $11 (rather than $90). I feel he doesn’t have a lot of faith in us succeeding. He spoke a little about the failed IUI, but wasn’t particularly sympathetic. He keeps talking about follow up appointments, and ‘going again’ in January. It is a good thing we got in when we did, because the story I was told about being able to start an antagonist cycle in December were folly. Really though, I just want to hear some optimism from him! Who knows, if it’s still an issue in the new year, we might look at seeing someone else.

The Safety Net Changes have gone through. I’m not 100% sure what they mean for us, but they have been revised. I think that we will be ok, because I believe that our clinic charges under the 6K cut-off at which the modifications start to apply. Prices of course, are going up. We have an Appointment with Lovely Nurse next Thursday, to sign over an amount of money that would fund a month long OS holiday, and collect a little baggie of drugs.

I’m well on the way to officially being Mrs G now, at least in the eyes of bureaucracy. We received our marriage certificate today, then made the trek to Vic Roads, where I applied for my new license. Nearly 7 months on… I’m getting there!

Ack! October 20, 2009

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Holy crap, a month just passed.


We moved, and the world was good again.

I went back to work, and it still sucked.

We got our shit together, finances-wise…. (Combination of tax returns, credit card debt, and a second job – mine)

And we’re doing IVF this month.

After narrowly securing a cancellation spot, we have an appointment with the RE on Thursday to determine protocol. I’m expecting a long cycle (I think the cool kids call it a down-reg?). I’m wondering whether I’ll be put on something to start AF (will be at about day 25/40) because to wait for it to arrive would take it out to about another 3 weeks.

I’m very, very afraid of getting hopeful again.

(But know that I simply will not be able to stop myself from calculating EDD’s before I’ve even cracked open the first canister of drugs)

Feeling better September 21, 2009

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And, holidays are here!

Truly the best bit about this job, is that I’m never more than 12 weeks away from my next break. Which is just the way it should be!

1 Month and 1 day since the crimson announcement that IUI #1 didn’t work. I think I’ve made some progress.

Today, I decided to lay in the hammock in the sunshine with my beautiful little niece, who promptly fell asleep. This didn’t even make me want to crumple into a ball and cry for a week.

Perhaps its because she, at all of 13 months, is most definitely not a baby any more. Don’t get me wrong, I want a child more than anything else on earth, but my personal trigger for plunging into a deep, dark hole seems to be anything ‘baby’ related.

Or perhaps, it is because in the last month I have made a concerted effort to find other things to obsess over. I’ve been sewing like crazy, I’ve been playing with the camera, and fine tuning my photoshop skills. I have been talking to people outside the ALI world. You know, actually connecting with people face-to-face. Amazing.

We’re not cycling this month. We are moving out of the Outlaws and into the Grandparent Coccoon. This makes me Very Happy. It will be happening this weekend, if Mr. G is feeling healthy again (I of course have been sick for the last fortnight, but now that he has man-flu – OH NOES!!!).

I intend to do some research over the next fortnight about our options re finance for IVF. Otherwise, we will definitely do IUI#2 in October. Right now, I’m just loving September.

ICLW kicks off again today/tomorrow (depending on where you are in the world). Hi to people visiting via there 🙂 I really will try not to be such a puddle of misery this month!!

Why? August 23, 2009

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At least, the version of this question that I can answer.

Not so much why, really as how. How did we get here?

The day after I met my husband, we were driving around Mount Dandenong together, and when this conversation took place, we were in Olinda, stopping at a little general store for Cascade Raspberry, and Peppermint Magnums. I remember the whole day with crystal clarity, a stunning afternoon, filled with Spring. It was the third of September, 2006.

This was the day that I knew that my path to having children would be more complicated than I had previously thought. (Because of course, we all think it will be like they tell us at school… Don’t look at boys, you will automatically fall pregnant! Ok, so I wasn’t really that naive)

This man, in whom I already knew I had found something very, very special, told me he would never be able to be a father. He explained to me that since he had been diagnosed with Klinefelters, almost 20 years ago, he had always been told that he would never be a father.

It takes a lot for someone to be so honest. This was not a conversation we were having months down the track, after getting to know each other well, after falling in love. This was day 2.

I still hold an enourmous amount of respect for my husband, for making sure I knew what I was getting myself into.

I said, never say never.


I read up everything I could on Klinefelters (Yes, I did actually go further than Wikipedia, but it gives a nice summary):

Klinefelter’s syndrome, 47, XXY or XXY syndrome is a condition in which males have an extra X sex chromosome. While females have an XX chromosomal makeup, and males an XY, affected individuals have at least two X chromosomes and at least one Y chromosome. Klinefelter’s syndrome is the most common sex chromosome disorder and the second most common condition caused by the presence of extra chromosomes. The condition exists in roughly 1 out of every 1000 males.

The principal effects are development of small testicles and reduced fertility. A variety of other physical and behavioral differences and problems are common, though severity varies and many boys and men with the condition have few detectable symptoms. Because of the extra chromosome, individuals with the condition are usually referred to as “XXY Males”, or “47, XXY Males”.

We stopped using birth control after a couple of months. I was hopeful.

In late 2007, some time after I had first cried at a negative HPT that I was so sure would be positive, I went with my soon-to-be fiance to visit his endocrinologist. He was due to have his 6-monthly testosterone implant. It was at this appointment that we first sought current medical advice about our infertility.

His doctor told us that there had been some advances in IVF, and that ICSI had been used with some success in Klinefelters patients. She referred us to Monash IVF.

It took us almost a year before we were ready to make that appointment. I kept hoping.

When we spoke to this doctor, things became much clearer. The endo was perhaps a little too optimistic about our odds. In patients who have undergone long term testosterone therapy, the natural testosterone production is suppressed, and the body basically loses the ability to produce any sperm at all. We had less than 1 in 1 billion chance of conceiving naturally. There was a procedure that could be used with ICSI, but it involved removing up to half of the teste, and searching, blindly, for immature sperm. In a patient such as Mr G, after 20 years of testosterone replacement, there would be less than 1 in a million chance of finding any.

We drove down to the beach that afternoon.

It was there that we decided to get a donor to help us become a family.


We had our wedding to plan, and while I had had all the initial screening tests, which had come up pretty much clear, and we had met with a fertility specialist who would focus more on me, we decided to put off the actual trying.

We faffed around with the ‘when’ originally it was to be July this year, then some time next year, then at some indefinite point. Then it came back to July.

And the rest of the story is in the archives.

7dpIUI – aka – so, symptoms, hey? August 14, 2009

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Well, after all my bitching and moaning, I feel a lot better today. Still a little tender, tired, and crampy, but otherwise, considerably asymptomatic.

I don’t know what to think. Part of me wants to test, just in case by some freak of nature there would be a positive, but then the rest of me knows that it would be negative anyway, and I will have to keep re-testing.

I figure the absolute earliest I could get any sort of positive would be Sunday.

Screw it, I think I’ll just do it tomorrow – at 8DPIUI! Madness I know, but I don’t really care.

I don’t know if I really even think it has worked. Mr G thinks yes, I… just don’t know.

I wish I did.

I’m not a bad person August 13, 2009

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So the friend who announced her pregnancy has her first ultrasound today. I was honestly worried at what my reaction would be if she had received bad news. I really do wonder if this infertility is making me a bad person.

When I hadn’t heard from her by late evening, and she hadn’t updated her facebook (keep in mind that she announced to her 400 nearest and dearest that “we just found out that we are 4 weeks pregnant!!” the day she got her blood results), I was getting a little concerned.

When I spoke to her on MSN, and she told me she had gone well, that they had seen the heartbeat, and baby is measuring right on track at 6w4d, my first reaction was relief. I even managed some genuine excitement!

I’m proud of myself, but also a little relieved. I’m not really a bad person.

(And on an unrelated note, I bought a HPT tonight)