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What not to say… August 24, 2009

Posted by Natasha in Infertility, Rants.
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***

Me: I got my beta result today. Negative. Huge surprise there.

Her: Oh, sorry to hear that. If it makes you feel any better, I wish I wasn’t pregnant.

***

(I really wish I had made this conversation up)

*Tag*

What ridiculous things have people said to you?

The trifecta. August 2, 2009

Posted by Natasha in Infertility.
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Tomorrow is my neice’s first birthday.

Today was her party.

I have cried many tears because of this little girl.

Today was no different.

As if simply witnessing this joyous event wasn’t hard enough, unsurprisingly, there was another tiny newborn at the party.

And then the trifecta. A pregnancy announcement. Another f***ing honeymoon baby.

I am the girl who cries in bathrooms at parties.

an illness. July 29, 2009

Posted by Natasha in Infertility, Rants.
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I’m sitting wrapped in a doona, surrounded by a pile of soggy tissues, red eyed, and sniffling. The shaking has subsided, but the horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach lingers.

What terrible malady has befallen me?

A pregnancy announcement.

A girl who used to be my best friend. The reasons for the past tense are many, varied and long standing. But she is pregnant, with what must be her honeymoon baby.

She cursed her “stupid, super fertile body” because she “didn’t want it to happen now”.

This illness, makes part of me a bad person. Part of me hates her. Part of me is seething with jealousy. She has PCOS! I should be jumping from the rafters with joy! But I don’t know if I can ever see her again.

She doesn’t know how far along she is. She hasn’t told her parents.

Is every pregnancy announcement going to be like this?

“It will happen when you least expect it”

We’ve paid thousands of dollars, to stick needles into my stomach every day, have a stranger squirt a stranger’s sperm inside me,  to wait with that unique mix of pure hope and dread that only an Infertile’s two-week-wait can bring. Yes, you’re right, if it happens, it will be totally unexpected.

In a small way, she is right, because I don’t really expect that this will ever work.

And that illness makes me reach for fresh tissues.