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Nervous October 26, 2009

Posted by Natasha in Infertility.
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Before I’ve even started.

I had an awful dream last night that I was going for an ultrasound, in which I think I was expecting to see my babies heart beat, and there was nothing there.

I had to consciously make myself realise as I awoke in dread that we hadn’t even started yet!

I’m trying to find out everything I can. That obsessive streak is so well suited to all of this ART stuff. I want to go into this informed, prepared, and ready to ask questions.

Getting back on… October 22, 2009

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…the horse… the rollercoaster… it’s a choose-your-0wn-metaphor adventure!

We are good to go.

Antagonist cycle, starting as soon as AF arrives. I have never been so eager for this to happen!

I feel like our appointment this morning was a bit of a waste of time really. I have done *so much* reading about IVF, that he didn’t really tell me anything other than his opinion. He also completely failed to acknowledge Mr G, though he did successfully bamboozle him! We were in there for all of 5 minutes. Thank goodness we’re over the safety net now, because the appointment cost us all of $11 (rather than $90). I feel he doesn’t have a lot of faith in us succeeding. He spoke a little about the failed IUI, but wasn’t particularly sympathetic. He keeps talking about follow up appointments, and ‘going again’ in January. It is a good thing we got in when we did, because the story I was told about being able to start an antagonist cycle in December were folly. Really though, I just want to hear some optimism from him! Who knows, if it’s still an issue in the new year, we might look at seeing someone else.

The Safety Net Changes have gone through. I’m not 100% sure what they mean for us, but they have been revised. I think that we will be ok, because I believe that our clinic charges under the 6K cut-off at which the modifications start to apply. Prices of course, are going up. We have an Appointment with Lovely Nurse next Thursday, to sign over an amount of money that would fund a month long OS holiday, and collect a little baggie of drugs.

I’m well on the way to officially being Mrs G now, at least in the eyes of bureaucracy. We received our marriage certificate today, then made the trek to Vic Roads, where I applied for my new license. Nearly 7 months on… I’m getting there!

Ack! October 20, 2009

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Holy crap, a month just passed.

Sooo….

We moved, and the world was good again.

I went back to work, and it still sucked.

We got our shit together, finances-wise…. (Combination of tax returns, credit card debt, and a second job – mine)

And we’re doing IVF this month.

After narrowly securing a cancellation spot, we have an appointment with the RE on Thursday to determine protocol. I’m expecting a long cycle (I think the cool kids call it a down-reg?). I’m wondering whether I’ll be put on something to start AF (will be at about day 25/40) because to wait for it to arrive would take it out to about another 3 weeks.

I’m very, very afraid of getting hopeful again.

(But know that I simply will not be able to stop myself from calculating EDD’s before I’ve even cracked open the first canister of drugs)

Feeling better September 21, 2009

Posted by Natasha in Infertility, Life.
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And, holidays are here!

Truly the best bit about this job, is that I’m never more than 12 weeks away from my next break. Which is just the way it should be!

1 Month and 1 day since the crimson announcement that IUI #1 didn’t work. I think I’ve made some progress.

Today, I decided to lay in the hammock in the sunshine with my beautiful little niece, who promptly fell asleep. This didn’t even make me want to crumple into a ball and cry for a week.

Perhaps its because she, at all of 13 months, is most definitely not a baby any more. Don’t get me wrong, I want a child more than anything else on earth, but my personal trigger for plunging into a deep, dark hole seems to be anything ‘baby’ related.

Or perhaps, it is because in the last month I have made a concerted effort to find other things to obsess over. I’ve been sewing like crazy, I’ve been playing with the camera, and fine tuning my photoshop skills. I have been talking to people outside the ALI world. You know, actually connecting with people face-to-face. Amazing.

We’re not cycling this month. We are moving out of the Outlaws and into the Grandparent Coccoon. This makes me Very Happy. It will be happening this weekend, if Mr. G is feeling healthy again (I of course have been sick for the last fortnight, but now that he has man-flu – OH NOES!!!).

I intend to do some research over the next fortnight about our options re finance for IVF. Otherwise, we will definitely do IUI#2 in October. Right now, I’m just loving September.

ICLW kicks off again today/tomorrow (depending on where you are in the world). Hi to people visiting via there 🙂 I really will try not to be such a puddle of misery this month!!

Shameless Pimping August 23, 2009

Posted by Natasha in News and Drivel.
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My wonderful Husband, Mr G, has revived his blog!

He intends to provide one of those elusive male voices in the IF blogosphere, but also writes about many varied things.

If you would like to see what he has to say, you can check him out here!

Why? August 23, 2009

Posted by Natasha in Infertility.
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At least, the version of this question that I can answer.

Not so much why, really as how. How did we get here?

The day after I met my husband, we were driving around Mount Dandenong together, and when this conversation took place, we were in Olinda, stopping at a little general store for Cascade Raspberry, and Peppermint Magnums. I remember the whole day with crystal clarity, a stunning afternoon, filled with Spring. It was the third of September, 2006.

This was the day that I knew that my path to having children would be more complicated than I had previously thought. (Because of course, we all think it will be like they tell us at school… Don’t look at boys, you will automatically fall pregnant! Ok, so I wasn’t really that naive)

This man, in whom I already knew I had found something very, very special, told me he would never be able to be a father. He explained to me that since he had been diagnosed with Klinefelters, almost 20 years ago, he had always been told that he would never be a father.

It takes a lot for someone to be so honest. This was not a conversation we were having months down the track, after getting to know each other well, after falling in love. This was day 2.

I still hold an enourmous amount of respect for my husband, for making sure I knew what I was getting myself into.

I said, never say never.

***

I read up everything I could on Klinefelters (Yes, I did actually go further than Wikipedia, but it gives a nice summary):

Klinefelter’s syndrome, 47, XXY or XXY syndrome is a condition in which males have an extra X sex chromosome. While females have an XX chromosomal makeup, and males an XY, affected individuals have at least two X chromosomes and at least one Y chromosome. Klinefelter’s syndrome is the most common sex chromosome disorder and the second most common condition caused by the presence of extra chromosomes. The condition exists in roughly 1 out of every 1000 males.

The principal effects are development of small testicles and reduced fertility. A variety of other physical and behavioral differences and problems are common, though severity varies and many boys and men with the condition have few detectable symptoms. Because of the extra chromosome, individuals with the condition are usually referred to as “XXY Males”, or “47, XXY Males”.

We stopped using birth control after a couple of months. I was hopeful.

In late 2007, some time after I had first cried at a negative HPT that I was so sure would be positive, I went with my soon-to-be fiance to visit his endocrinologist. He was due to have his 6-monthly testosterone implant. It was at this appointment that we first sought current medical advice about our infertility.

His doctor told us that there had been some advances in IVF, and that ICSI had been used with some success in Klinefelters patients. She referred us to Monash IVF.

It took us almost a year before we were ready to make that appointment. I kept hoping.

When we spoke to this doctor, things became much clearer. The endo was perhaps a little too optimistic about our odds. In patients who have undergone long term testosterone therapy, the natural testosterone production is suppressed, and the body basically loses the ability to produce any sperm at all. We had less than 1 in 1 billion chance of conceiving naturally. There was a procedure that could be used with ICSI, but it involved removing up to half of the teste, and searching, blindly, for immature sperm. In a patient such as Mr G, after 20 years of testosterone replacement, there would be less than 1 in a million chance of finding any.

We drove down to the beach that afternoon.

It was there that we decided to get a donor to help us become a family.

***

We had our wedding to plan, and while I had had all the initial screening tests, which had come up pretty much clear, and we had met with a fertility specialist who would focus more on me, we decided to put off the actual trying.

We faffed around with the ‘when’ originally it was to be July this year, then some time next year, then at some indefinite point. Then it came back to July.

And the rest of the story is in the archives.

And we’ll be moving right along… July 6, 2009

Posted by Natasha in Infertility, Life, News and Drivel, The Daily Grind.
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The holidays finally rolled around, although they currently feel like a myth.

I have to spend an insane amount of time preparing for term 3. I have a new teaching partner, my previous one having jumped ship; and we’re doing an all-new program. The basic premise is to have every single lesson prepared and copied and ready to go on day one. Sounds simple enough, the problem though is that it requires 120 lessons to be pre-prepped. Madness.

Other “holiday” tasks have included some more spring cleaning – trying to sort out the barn, and get it back to some semblance of organisation. Car borrowing, trailer hire, tip trip, furniture moving in the rain, rushing to beat closing time at Bunnings.

A girly night in a hotel in the city for a birthday, a day cruising the countryside after an ill-timed trip to scienceworks, a day with the grandparents and the puppy wandering around Dockland… The first week of holidays disappeared quickly.

Today saw the start of the week dawn with me in an absolutely feral mood. I have no idea why, and had no ability to control it, but thankfully by the time we walked out of the counsellor’s office at the IVF clinic, it had dissipated. The counselling session felt somewhat like a token effort: rather trite. Still, its another hoop that we have to jump through.