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A new kind of ok January 18, 2010

Posted by Natasha in Uncategorized.
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1 comment so far

Most days, I’m ok.

It’s not the same as before, not even close. This sounds trite, but part of me left with my baby, and I will never be the way I was.

I have become more wistful, rather than bone-crushingly sad.

Some moments though, it floods back. My grandma went to the hospital again in the early hours of Saturday, again she’s ok, but we still don’t know what’s causing the seizures. Medicine being an inexact science and all of that…

I have a habit of scanning the patient boards, call it a morbid curiosity, but I find the various ailments fascinating.

And there it was.

F,38 PV Bleed 6/40 Gest. Abd US.

She was crossed out, meaning she’d been admitted.

A few days ago, she was one of them. Happy, hopeful, glowing in the wake of her very recent BFP. Then, she crossed over.

As I joined the dots in my mind, my heart broke for her, this woman I never saw, never will.

And it all came flooding back.

The beginning of the end. December 11, 2009

Posted by Natasha in Infertility.
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So I’m back at the hospital. Bleeding got worse, cramps got *bad*.

It’s almost officially non viable. Beta #4 was 114. Up a whopping 3 from yesterday, and 20 from the day before.
That’s under 120% in 48 hours.

I have to go the antenatal clinic this afternoon for a kick in the guts.