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Counterintuitive January 22, 2010

Posted by Natasha in Infertility, IVF.
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This morning, I popped tablets out of 6 blister packs.

1 metformin, 2 heavy duty pain killers, 2 pre-conception vitamins, and a teency tiny birth control pill.

Hello CD2.

As much as each new tablet feels like a step forwards, and I know I have to do this… my brain reels. What if this month is the one-in-a-billion?

I know it’s not. I haven’t taken BCP’s, or used any other form of birth control since some time in 2006, and even then it was only for a month or two.

I have no idea how long I will be on the BCPs for. We still haven’t decided when we’re actually going to start our next cycle. Originally it was March, but all of a sudden, that’s only about a month away, and we’re just not ready yet.

It will be nice to have a period holiday, that’s about the only plus side. My FS said I can stay on this particular pill long term, and it won’t cause any problems. All I know is, that if my periods continue to be this painful, I will be seeking out some other investigations, because this is ridiculous.

In fact, its exactly like last month.

Hello teacher, tell me, what’s my lesson? August 20, 2009

Posted by Natasha in Infertility, Life, Rants.
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Rambly, horrible thoughts.

I’m trying to understand. I’m trying to find out what this *means*

Am I being punished?

I truly don’t believe that I have ever done anything deserving of this. I have faced trials, I have triumphed. N.O.T.H.I.N.G has come easily.

Am I being taught a lesson?

I GET IT! Babies are a gift, a treasure, a precious miracle. They are given to us so that we can give to them.

Why did this (not) happen?

I feel incredibly guilty for being so upset. I feel like I don’t deserve to be miserable. It’s not like it was our last try, its not like we lost embryos, or a baby. I feel like those naive, stupid girls who cry because they didn’t fall pregnant their first month trying.

This is somewhere around month 25.

And in brutal honesty?

I feel a monstrous, wrenching guilt, because I went into this knowingly…

I knew from day one that we would travel a path like this.

But that doesn’t make it any fucking easier to walk along.

I have failed. This is a waste. This is wrong. This is not fair.