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Why do I cry? November 8, 2009

Posted by Natasha in Infertility.
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Firstly, it is almost 2am so I make no claims about how legible this post will be.

***

Laying in bed a few minutes ago, with a million thoughts running through my head, I came to a realisation.

I am like no other woman I know. I have very little concept of what it is like, in the first month trying for a baby, to expect to get pregnant. I imagine that it might be something like how I felt during the TWW of the IUI… hopeful.

We never went through the months of trying unsuccessfully. We arrived in the land of IF by a detour… the detour of knowledge.

These thoughts nestled their way into my overactive consciousness after the tears had stopped.

My best friend is 9 weeks pregnant.

For the first time, I didn’t have the ‘burning ice rising in the pit of my stomach’ feeling that ordinarily arises when I hear somebodies ‘good news’. She was very thoughtful in her announcement. It wasn’t at dinner, it was in person, cleverly timed for when I had the ability to focus my attention on something other than her, and when I could disguise my shaking hands. I could actually feel pleasure for her.

I am happy for them. They’ve been married four years, and have waited for ‘the right time’ long enough to know that it will never happen. They had been trying for two months before she got her miracle.

But I still feel incredible sadness, for us.

The grief comes out in funny ways. I’ve lost the relationship that I had with this friend. I would never, EVER, wish this journey on anyone, but there is still a certain camaraderie between the infertile and the childless. I don’t know about other infertiles, but I know that I am knowledgeable about pregnancy. I’ve memorised just about everything I’ve ever read. And given my recent coping strategy of attempted desensitisation, via the reading of everything you could ever possibly want to know about pregnancy and then some, that’s a lot.

The only person I have outside of the computer screen, who is going through this, is Mr G. Part of my reasoning behind my openness about all of this, is that I desperately want someone to say to me… I understand, I’m dealing with it too.

I have to believe that through this, we will become better people. Maybe its a path to enlightenment… Who knows, it’s 2:30 in the morning, anything is possible in these small hours.

I read on this on Rach’s Blog a few weeks ago, and I have been unable to get it out of my head.

The Oak Tree

  • A mighty wind blew night and day It stole the oak tree’s leaves away
    Then snapped its boughs and pulled its bark
    Until the oak was tired and stark

    But still the oak tree held its ground
    While other trees fell all around
    The weary wind gave up and spoke.
    How can you still be standing Oak?

    The oak tree said, I know that you
    Can break each branch of mine in two
    Carry every leaf away
    Shake my limbs, and make me sway

    But I have roots stretched in the earth
    Growing stronger since my birth
    You’ll never touch them, for you see
    They are the deepest part of me

    Until today, I wasn’t sure
    Of just how much I could endure
    But now I’ve found, with thanks to you
    I’m stronger than I ever knew

It says everything I can’t.

So, my dear friend.

I am sorry I couldn’t give you the best parts of me tonight. I am sorry that it became too much to bear, and that I had to hurry you out the door. I am simultaneously joyous and heartbroken that you are taking this step in your life. I am trying hard to become the person I want to be. I wish you nothing but happiness.

The trifecta. August 2, 2009

Posted by Natasha in Infertility.
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Tomorrow is my neice’s first birthday.

Today was her party.

I have cried many tears because of this little girl.

Today was no different.

As if simply witnessing this joyous event wasn’t hard enough, unsurprisingly, there was another tiny newborn at the party.

And then the trifecta. A pregnancy announcement. Another f***ing honeymoon baby.

I am the girl who cries in bathrooms at parties.

an illness. July 29, 2009

Posted by Natasha in Infertility, Rants.
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I’m sitting wrapped in a doona, surrounded by a pile of soggy tissues, red eyed, and sniffling. The shaking has subsided, but the horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach lingers.

What terrible malady has befallen me?

A pregnancy announcement.

A girl who used to be my best friend. The reasons for the past tense are many, varied and long standing. But she is pregnant, with what must be her honeymoon baby.

She cursed her “stupid, super fertile body” because she “didn’t want it to happen now”.

This illness, makes part of me a bad person. Part of me hates her. Part of me is seething with jealousy. She has PCOS! I should be jumping from the rafters with joy! But I don’t know if I can ever see her again.

She doesn’t know how far along she is. She hasn’t told her parents.

Is every pregnancy announcement going to be like this?

“It will happen when you least expect it”

We’ve paid thousands of dollars, to stick needles into my stomach every day, have a stranger squirt a stranger’s sperm inside me,  to wait with that unique mix of pure hope and dread that only an Infertile’s two-week-wait can bring. Yes, you’re right, if it happens, it will be totally unexpected.

In a small way, she is right, because I don’t really expect that this will ever work.

And that illness makes me reach for fresh tissues.