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Fear December 4, 2009

Posted by Natasha in IVF.
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Is the strongest feeling I have right now.

I POAS (FRER for those who might be curious) yesterday, and for a second I thought I saw a line.

I looked again, and no, there wasn’t anything.

I kept looking, and almost convinced myself that there was the smallest imaginable suggestion of a colour change where the line should be. But no.

It was 9dp2dt, and it was a BFN. However much I tried willing it to be otherwise.

I haven’t tested since.

I flit between thinking ‘maybe’, and then ‘it’s just the crinone’.

I don’t know what I feel. I don’t think I feel pregnant. But then, what does pregnant feel like?

I might test tomorrow.

I might wait for my Beta / Period.

I might be pregnant.

I might not be.

Today is Friday, tomorrow is Saturday, the next day is Sunday, and the day after that I will know for sure.

Baby, please stay.

What should be happening… November 28, 2009

Posted by Natasha in Infertility, IVF.
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This is what happens after a 2dt, aka, what I really hope is happening right now!

Thu 26/11~ 1dpt ..Embryo is growing and developing

Fri 27/11~ 2dpt ..Embryo is growing and developing

Sat 28/11~ 3dpt… Embryo is now a blastocyst

Sun 29/11~ 4dpt….Blastocyst hatches out of shell on this day

Mon 30/11~ 5dpt.. Blastocyst attaches to a site on the uterine lining

Tue 1/12 ~6dpt.. Implantation begins, as the blastocyst begins to bury in the lining

Wed 2/12~ 7dpt.. Implantation process continues and morula buries deeper in the lining

Thu 3/12~ 8dpt.. Morula is completely inmplanted in the lining and has placenta cells & fetal cells

Fri 4/12~ 9dpt…Placenta cells begin to secret HCG in the blood

Sat 5/12~ 10dpt…More HCG is produced as fetus develops

Sun 6/12~ 11dpt…More HCG is produced as fetus develops

Mon 7/12~ 12dpt…HCG levels are now high enough to be immediately detected on HPT

Tue 8/12~ Beta Day

13dpiui… Move along, nothing to see here August 20, 2009

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Haven’t tested this morning, but tested last night, and still nothing.

Had a big cry yesterday. Its just such a horrible feeling.

Will hold out now until AF is definitely late, (not that that is likely to happen – should arrive tomorrow or Saturday).

10dpiui – aka… sigh… August 17, 2009

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Enough said.

Bought a super-sensitive cheapie test (10 whatevers). Still negative.

Hope is fading. I’m sure if I was in line for a BFP I would have seen one by now.

I felt like crying this afternoon, I just feel so bloody miserable.

Eugh.

9dpiui – aka, nothing to see here. August 16, 2009

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Except another single line, and the feeling that AF is on her way.

Becoming doubtful.

Bought a highly recommended pregnancy book, got frustrated because of the ‘diary’ of someone who went off the pill, and ‘oooh, woo’ got pregnant first month trying.

Can’t decide whether to test tomorrow & Tuesday, as Mr G will be away for work.

Sigh.

There’s a baby at the end of this, right?

8dpIUI – aka, I caved. August 15, 2009

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Having four HPT’s sitting right there proved to be too much temptation, so I caved. Unsurprisingly, negative.

I know that it doesn’t really mean anything, but I figured that a negative may not really mean a negative, but that if by some one-in-a-million chance it was positive, then I wanted to know 🙂

I’m feeling less ‘symptomatic’ now than last week. Although again, I know that not even that means anything.

Patience. Is very, very difficult.

6dpiui – aka – Owww August 13, 2009

Posted by Natasha in Infertility, News and Drivel.
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Mah boobs! They hurt!

Also, cramping.

Also, can’t. stop. eating.

Also, can’t. remember. anything.

Also, must. sleep.

One more week until testing. I think I can, I think I can, I think I can…

5dpiui – aka, the biggest whinge I’ve had in ages. August 12, 2009

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One week tomorrow until I test.

Argh, sooo tired (after 9 hours of sleep). Sooo hungry (after 2 lunches and 4 bottles of water). Sooo Irritable. My memory is ridiculous. I walk into rooms and forget why I’m there. A little crampy still, but really I think I’m just thinking these things into existence. I have really sore sinuses, but its probably just dehydration from the heaters. Freezing here today.

This feels an awful lot like PMS.

I’m sitting at my desk, waiting for the bell to go in ten minutes, and I’m really wondering how I’m going to make it home without  a nap.

Work was completely awful today.

When I was having all these issues at the end of last term (when my teaching partner up and left), I was told that I would have lots more support. Well that hasn’t happened. One of the people I teach with now, who is the coordinator, likes to bring her laptop and her marking into the room with her, meaning that I have to teach and control 40 kids. You can imagine how well that works. I am doing 98% of the load that should be shared by 4 people.

I can never get over how incredibly selfish the kids are. I know that sounds crazy, because of course I am talking about year sevens – teenagers – of course they’re bloody selfish, it’s their job! But they are terrible. They can’t even watch a movie that has been put on for them.Soo self righteous, demanding, and obnoxious.

Whinge Whinge Whinge…

I’m going home to see my husband for the first time since Sunday, and to have a sleep.

3dpIUI – aka WTF are these “Symptoms”?!? August 10, 2009

Posted by Natasha in Infertility, Latest Obesssions, News and Drivel.
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First a TMI alert.

  • Woke this morning, feeling quite nauseous. Sprayed myself with perfume, felt sick again
  • Digestively Eugh.
  • Still have very sore **s.
  • Came to work, walked into the classroom, I have super-smell! Someone was drawing with a permanent marker, and it again, made me feel ill.
  • I am incredibly tired.
  • The achiness has mostly gone.

If these are real, then I welcome them with open arms. If not, I wish they would bugger off and stop messing with my head.

11 days until AF is due.

2dpIUI August 9, 2009

Posted by Natasha in Infertility, Life, News and Drivel.
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Bullet-pointy tonight.

2 days into the TWW, I’m coping ok.

Oddly symptomatic though. Of course my symptoms are related to being hormonal, and post ovulation, rather than anything else at this stage, but I have very sore bb’s, nips especially. I have cramps throughout my lower half. I had shocking heart burn yesterday morning. Keeping in mind I didn’t end up having the trigger, I find these strange.

I’m still hopeful. I have decided that I am going to test some time after the 17th. Beta is on the 24th.

My laptop crapped itself on Thursday. I will find out tomorrow what the verdict is, but at this stage it is looking like a busted hard drive. I hope I don’t remember anything irreplaceable when I get it back.

We went for a drive down the peninsula today. Being back there, for the first time since our wedding day, was very, very difficult. I have realised how much I hate the situation we are in at the moment. It’s not working, and I miss being that close to the beach.

We will wait and see.