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Witch, oh witch, where are you hiding? January 20, 2012

Posted by Natasha in IVF.
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Typical… Never shows up when you want it to. STILL waiting to start.

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Still waiting… December 10, 2009

Posted by Natasha in Finally Pregnant!, Infertility, IVF, Uncategorized.
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Still at the hospital. Have just an ultrasound, waiting for results.

Hcg is 111. Up only 17 in 23 hours. But still up.

All I know about my US is that the lining is still thick. Bleeding has slowed, cramping has stopped.

Hoping to get into the early pregnancy unit by 2:00.

The waiting time… November 23, 2009

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In less than two hours, I will be leaving for my egg retrieval.

Hope, wonder, terror.

What if…

What if they don’t find any eggs?

What if they find them, and they’re not mature?

What if they don’t fertilise?

What if they do fertilise, and then they die?

What if they don’t implant?

What if they do implant, and then they die?

Every step of the way is another investment, another slide down the tunnel of IF.

I never thought I’d get here.

But I said, never say never.

Days are dragging, weeks are flying. November 15, 2009

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I read a few minutes ago that “we all get our happy endings, its just a matter of when”.

I have trouble believing this.

I’m not sure if I mentioned before, but I have great difficulty reconciling the fact that this might actually work. I don’t mean this in a negative way, just that I have trouble, cognitively, realising this. Then I hear about people who travel this path, and they try, and try, and try. They don’t get their happy ending.

I worry that we will be those people. I worry abut what will happen if it DOES work? Obviously, I tend to the obsessive side. Can you imagine how bad I will be if I do eventually get to obsess over a pregnancy?

It saddens me, that I will never get to experience that naivety in regards to TTC and pregnancy. I can never think in terms of when. I have to deal with if.

Mr G is struggling with his disconnection from the whole process. As we have discussed, the actual role of the father in the whole pregnancy thing, is tiny. But as he pointed out to me today, no matter how small, its still crucial. I don’t know what to say, how to ‘fix’ it.

If I had to describe the way I’m feeling at the moment, it’s impatient. I have grown a lot over the last few months, but I am still trying to move beyond the reality that I am a product of the 21st century, and I want everything now.

I want to be ok with the now.

Still Waiting… November 2, 2009

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Nuff said.

Gargh… When you don’t want it, it shows, when you do, it doesn’t.

Ready and Waiting October 30, 2009

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I had my appointment with Lovely Nurse yesterday, and she truly is one of the nicest people I have ever met.

My IVF protocol is very different to the IUI one – heaps more drugs, lots more monitoring.

I get a lot of people landing here looking for drug regimes, so for interest’s sake, here is the protocol that I will be on:

  • Day 2 – start 150 units of Gonal-F
  • Day 6 – Scan continue Gonal-F. If follicle development is on track, start Orgalutran
  • Continue with daily (?) bloods and scans, continue daily Orgalutran, Continue daily Gonal-F
  • Trigger with Ovidrel 38 hours before EPU.
  • LP support – Crinone Gel

I’m stuck here waiting for AF to show so that I can get going. I don’t need to say again how much I DETEST the waiting game!! I’m at about CD 33, so it should be some time soon… Hopefully over the weekend!

Getting back on… October 22, 2009

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…the horse… the rollercoaster… it’s a choose-your-0wn-metaphor adventure!

We are good to go.

Antagonist cycle, starting as soon as AF arrives. I have never been so eager for this to happen!

I feel like our appointment this morning was a bit of a waste of time really. I have done *so much* reading about IVF, that he didn’t really tell me anything other than his opinion. He also completely failed to acknowledge Mr G, though he did successfully bamboozle him! We were in there for all of 5 minutes. Thank goodness we’re over the safety net now, because the appointment cost us all of $11 (rather than $90). I feel he doesn’t have a lot of faith in us succeeding. He spoke a little about the failed IUI, but wasn’t particularly sympathetic. He keeps talking about follow up appointments, and ‘going again’ in January. It is a good thing we got in when we did, because the story I was told about being able to start an antagonist cycle in December were folly. Really though, I just want to hear some optimism from him! Who knows, if it’s still an issue in the new year, we might look at seeing someone else.

The Safety Net Changes have gone through. I’m not 100% sure what they mean for us, but they have been revised. I think that we will be ok, because I believe that our clinic charges under the 6K cut-off at which the modifications start to apply. Prices of course, are going up. We have an Appointment with Lovely Nurse next Thursday, to sign over an amount of money that would fund a month long OS holiday, and collect a little baggie of drugs.

I’m well on the way to officially being Mrs G now, at least in the eyes of bureaucracy. We received our marriage certificate today, then made the trek to Vic Roads, where I applied for my new license. Nearly 7 months on… I’m getting there!

Feeling better September 21, 2009

Posted by Natasha in Infertility, Life.
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And, holidays are here!

Truly the best bit about this job, is that I’m never more than 12 weeks away from my next break. Which is just the way it should be!

1 Month and 1 day since the crimson announcement that IUI #1 didn’t work. I think I’ve made some progress.

Today, I decided to lay in the hammock in the sunshine with my beautiful little niece, who promptly fell asleep. This didn’t even make me want to crumple into a ball and cry for a week.

Perhaps its because she, at all of 13 months, is most definitely not a baby any more. Don’t get me wrong, I want a child more than anything else on earth, but my personal trigger for plunging into a deep, dark hole seems to be anything ‘baby’ related.

Or perhaps, it is because in the last month I have made a concerted effort to find other things to obsess over. I’ve been sewing like crazy, I’ve been playing with the camera, and fine tuning my photoshop skills. I have been talking to people outside the ALI world. You know, actually connecting with people face-to-face. Amazing.

We’re not cycling this month. We are moving out of the Outlaws and into the Grandparent Coccoon. This makes me Very Happy. It will be happening this weekend, if Mr. G is feeling healthy again (I of course have been sick for the last fortnight, but now that he has man-flu – OH NOES!!!).

I intend to do some research over the next fortnight about our options re finance for IVF. Otherwise, we will definitely do IUI#2 in October. Right now, I’m just loving September.

ICLW kicks off again today/tomorrow (depending on where you are in the world). Hi to people visiting via there 🙂 I really will try not to be such a puddle of misery this month!!

Distance September 10, 2009

Posted by Natasha in Art & Craft, Infertility, Latest Obesssions, Life, News and Drivel.
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I’ve had to take a bit of a break from the blog. I’m trying to find some perspective and balance…

I *think* we’ve decided to not do any more IUI’s, to go straight to IVF, as soon as we can afford it. If, however, we work out that we can’t do IVF this year, we will probably try another IUI or two, simply because they won’t cost us as much.

It is so wrong, that these decisions are dictated purely by finances.

There has been some promising news in the media this week.

The proposed changes to the Medicare Safety Net were heard in the senate, and thankfully were met with opposition. It will be another week before anything is decided.

Now that September has rolled around, and the Victorian joke legislation that enforces us all to have a Police Check before undergoing ART has become official (A fury-inducing side note: even if you had frozen embryos from a previous cycle, you would still need a police check before being allowed to do a transfer. What happens to the would-be-parents deemed ‘unsuitable for treatment’? What happens to their embryos??).

The media has FINALLY gotten a hold of this horrendous little piece of news, and is stirring up some attention, which is being received by the general public in exactly the way it should: incredulity and horror.

Waiting.

***

In my quest to find other things to focus on, I’ve pulled out the sewing machine. Its a great way to just zone out, and distract myself from life.

I have plenty of ideas, but I am plagued with self-doubt… I would love to set up an etsy shop, or even a craft-market stall.

Eventually

I’ve set up another blog that will be dedicated to that little venture:

 Cute Crumples

I’ll be back…

13dpiui… Move along, nothing to see here August 20, 2009

Posted by Natasha in Infertility.
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Haven’t tested this morning, but tested last night, and still nothing.

Had a big cry yesterday. Its just such a horrible feeling.

Will hold out now until AF is definitely late, (not that that is likely to happen – should arrive tomorrow or Saturday).